Best Laid Plans Of... Well, Me

A thought: Perhaps the length of my relationships is directly proportional to the durability of the flowers they bring me. Gentlemen, you are forewarned, my torrid lesbian love affair brought me flowers yesterday - you have competition.

The past week has been kind of insane, to say the least. I've been doing the bi-polar extremes a lot, which hurts, while trying to train the new ladies at work and prep for starting school in two weeks. Oh and trying to have a social life. Right, that too. I keep wanting to update you all on what's going on but I can't even figure out where to start. So I have decided, in time honoured tradition, just to make two lists. Enjoy..

8 1/2 Bad Things In My Life Recently
1. Both 'The Vagina Monologues' and 'Girl's Guide' were sold out when I wanted to go see them. And I was there over an hour early!
2. Work has been stressful. I like the new women a lot but I don't want to turn my store over to them. I've worked sooo hard to make it fabulous and organized and I don't want to watch that slip away.
3. Fighting over the definition of a "relationship". 'Nuff said.
4. The calf muscle on my left leg is doing a very strange, incredibly painful thing since yesterday night. Ow ow ow...
5. I never have time to clean and my house/room is getting slowly more and more disorganized. It makes me want to hurt things.
6. There is just not enough RP in my life. I only have two lives games and no tabletops!
7. I miss my Trixie, alot.
8. There is not enough sleep or food in my life, as a general rule. I tend to exist on coffee and Coke these days which is probably not particularily healthy.
and a 1/2. We have a new roommate moving in, which means I have to move the last of my crap out of mine and Rob's room. Sigh...

8 1/2 Good Things In My Life Recently
1. Having had time, etc to actually do the Fringe this year. Oh my god, the stories. It has been a blast.
2. On that note, I not only met and shook hands with Nathan Fillion, but we also propositioned him. *happy sigh*
3. I have a fabulous new green skirt! And when I go down the stairs, it does this lovely whooshy thing.
4. School Supplies! Including a laptop and a printer and a green plaid notebook. 'Course the notebook is for Anna, but that's okay too.
5. I've been losing weight. Yay!
6. Star and I are having an event for our Mage game tommorow even though it got cancelled. I really hope people show up...
7. The hoard of nieces and nephews is growing and are so cute when I go visit them. I mean, sure sometimes I want to kill them - who wouldn't - but as a general rule, they are pretty good for their auntie and they make me feel very loved.
8. The gaming that I have had in my life has been phenomenal lately. I absolutely adore playing Morwydd - I spent all of last game getting petted by a guy whose real name I didn't know, am working on two quests, and have the greatest awkward new relationship stuff happening - and have been getting to write very pretty stuff for Anna.
and a 1/2. I miss my cat more than I miss Rob. This is progress.

Care To Join Me?

It's Fringe time in lovely Edmonton, Alberta and for the first time in many many years, I'm actually going to be in town, have a few days off, and have money so I'm planning on hitting a whole pile of shows over the ten days. Since I don't tend to see people in person very often and even when I do, I have the memory of a goldfish when it comes to remembering to ask people stuff, I have decided to put a list of the shows and times that I'm planning to see up here and should any of you wish to come along, you can email me or leave a comment on here and we can go from there. So, the list is:

Friday the 18th - "Hospitality Suite" at 4:45pm
**Review: It made me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry my heart out. I walked home afterwards, torn between screaming and puking at the horrible way we as humans can interact with eachother. It left me thinking about Wildfire and my own faith and how much I hate proselytization. I don't care if you believe in my God, hell, I don't care if you believe in any god - faith isn't about anyone except yourself. Tell me about your beliefs, please, but don't expect me to agree with them. He was right in that horribly harsh, brutally blunt way - you were a mouthpiece for God. A salesperson, peddling a product, be it religion or industrial strength lubricants. You can't have a conversation with someone if you intend to convert them to your religion because you will always be trying to manipulate it. Why can't we just talk? All that said, I highly recommend this show. If you can find a time to go it, do. It's worth it.**

Sunday the 20th - "Rosaline" at 4:45pm
**Review: WOW! What an absolutely beautiful look at Romeo and Juliet from someone else's perspective. And the full frontal nudity wasn't so bad either *evil grin* But honestly, it was cool that it took place after Romeo and Juliet had died because no one ever really talks about what happens to people they left behind. I mean yea, the families reconciled, blah blah, but what about their loved ones? In this case it was the girl had first loved who finally figured out she loved him too, just a little too late. Who hasn't felt that way? There were moments, I'll admit, where it hit just a little too close to home with my current "love" life situation but once I looked beyond that, it said such neat things about love. And usually modern dance of which there was a good bit makes me cringe, but this was really well done and left the dancer in me breathless. The day was great for so much more than this show but that's a whole set of other stories for another day.**

Monday the 21st - "The Vagina Monologues" at 8:45pm
Tuesday the 22nd - "Beach Boogie" at 2:15pm
- "Girl's Guide" at 9:00pm
Wednesday the 23rd - "Jane Eyre: The Musical at 6:30pm
Sunday the 27th - "Since You Stayed Here" at 2:00pm
- "Bible: The Complete Words of God Abriged" at 6:30pm

Tickets are either $14 in advance or (usually) $10 at the doors. There are a few exceptions including "Girl's Guide" which at the door is only $8 for those dressed in S&M gear, or "Rosaline" which at the door is only $8 for fans of Romeo and Juliet - don't ask me how they're determining that one!

Also, for the girl's who were out with us on Monday, the group whose bus we wanted to hijack 'Uncalled For' is doing improv shows many times during the Fringe at the Backroom Vodka Bar on Whyte. My current thought is to go to the Thursday the 24th show at 6:00pm. It also plays at 8:00pm that night which is a distinct possibility. I think we ought to go to this one en masse, so let me know ladies. Tickets for that one are $6 for People In Costume. They don't mention what kind of costumes though...

Hope to hear from some/all of you and see you sometime in the near future. I will be updating this post with reviews of the shows as I see them, so check back to see what I thought - if you care, that is. Until then remember, the Fringe is a great place to buy Green Onion Cakes!

Eight Beautiful Babes, Zero Pairs of Pants

There are so many things I should like to say right now and yet so very little capacity for thought. I'm exhausted and I know I should go to bed, but I had this overwhelming urge to send a message out into cyberspace first. Last night (Mon) we had a phenomenally wonderful Emergency Girl's Night Out that made us all smile and laugh until our sides and our cheeks hurt, and reminded me why it is that I stayed alive. I'd write more but honestly Tania and Star both summed it up pretty well on their blogs already, so instead I will leave you with this final thought: Somebody (bodies?) left their jeans and bra in the back seat of my car. Should you wish to have them returned, do let me know...

Private Bath

I opened my bedroom door this morning to my cat in a rather interesting position, who looked up at me with this /look/ in his eyes that said, "Excuse me, but this is a private bath." I really felt like I had intruded - it was very strange. He followed me down the hall to the bathroom though and sat there while I showered, basking in the warmth. Afterwards, as I standing at the sink, it occured to me that I should probably clean the bathroom before my roommate comes home. It's just been me down there all summer so I have to admit that I've been very lax in my domestic duties. But Jade would probably appreciate it if the bathroom wasn't covered in long red hairs when she gets back in a week or two. Sigh. So many things to do, so little time.

As an interesting side note with no backstory - I think the cab driver I had last night thought I was a prostitute. I'm really not sure how to feel about this. Half of me wants to be insulted, half of me wants to take it as a compliment and the other half is just laughing. And this is why I failed math.

Last night I dreamed that I was on stage singing with Spirit of the West/Great Big Sea/some other similar band. I get the feeling that this not having a voice thing is starting to get to me. I can't stand not being able to sing anything, anytime. Gah! I know that I should just be patient, but let's be honest, patience has never been my strongest virtue. It doesn't even make it into the top 20. I want to be done being sick, now. Can anyone arrange that for me? I thought not. Ah well, back to the salt mines...

Alive... Mostly

This weekend was my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary so as dutiful family members, we all made the trek down to Calgary to celebrate. Now don't get me wrong, I love my family, but that was a lot of family to deal with at once. Many many many people I didn't know but who all wanted to hear all about what I was up to. And quite honestly, most of the stuff that's happening in my life currently, is not G-rated or appropriate to tell strangers about. So I talked a lot about work and starting school in September and that seemed to satisfy most people. My great-aunt and uncle from Stratford were there and having not seen them since I finished Wildfire, it was nice to catch-up. And my uncle and new wife whose wedding I went to in Mexico in February were there which was cool, and my aunt, the writer, and her partner Mark, the writer, who I barely ever see. It was strange though - part of the time I was treated like one of the adults, talking about the book world, the state of the world in general and other such things, but then other times, it was like I was still ten years old. I think it didn't help that Marc and Dan both had their significant others with them and I didn't. It actually hit me really hard on Sunday morning that Rob had been suppose to be there with me and he wasn't. I felt very alone for a while. But I got over it because wallowing is never good for me.

And speaking of things that are not good for me - I am sick. Ugh. My head is pounding, my throat feels like it has been run over with a scrapper, my ears hurt and I generally feel like I was hit by a truck. It sucks. Even my eyes hurt! I really don't have time to be sick either. Our two new employees come in on Wednesday for training and I'm busy prepping for University and attempting to have a life/see my friends/spend time with my little sister. And all I want to do is curl up on the couch and pretend the world doesn't exist. Blah...

A memory that makes me smile:

It couldn't have been very long after Rob and I started dating - maybe two or three months - when I got really really sick. Horrible flu/cold thing that left me feeling dead. Much like this feeling, actually. Rob was suppose to be going out somewhere (maybe Monday night gaming?) and I had talked to him briefly on the phone that evening before crashing onto my couch. I think I had two sweaters on and was wrapped up in a blanket, I was so cold, and I hadn't eaten in about two days. And then the doorbell rang. I stumbled over to the stairs, and there was Rob, standing outside my door. When I let him in, he showed me that he brought me Tim Horton's chicken noodle soup and a bagel or something like that. I was floored. It was one of those moments that made you sure that this was a good thing.

I sat down at the kitchen table to eat the soup but was really having troubles swallowing and so it was taking a while. I suddenly got very dizzy and the next thing I knew Rob was shaking me and something very hot was running down my arm. I had passed out and spilled the soup all over myself. He sat me back up, and started wiping the soup off my sweater but the only thought I could put together was 'bucket.' He grabbed my bucket from by the couch and I puked. And puked, and puked, and puked. And he held my hair back off my face until I'd finished and then helped me over to the bathroom. I honestly don't remember exactly what happened at that point, but I know he got me cleaned off and lay me back on the couch, and then he cleaned up all the spilt soup and the puke, and put my sweater in the wash.

I felt truly loved in those moments. It's one of the things I miss about our relationship - knowing that no matter what happened, he was there to take care of me. In the end, that proved not to be true, but for a long time that knowledge helped me to heal and to put my life back together. There are days now when I miss him so much it hurts but the truth is that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him again. The way things ended soured any chance of being able to be with him in the future, but I would give anything to have someone love me like that again. Especially on days like today, when I just need someone to take care of me because I can't do it myself. That isn't true though - I can do it myself, I just don't want to.

“We were meant to be together.”
“How did you know?”
“Because when I lay with you in my bed, there was a moment when I could feel everything you had been through and I had this idea that if I could make you happy, then I would be happy too.
-Ann Brashares, Girls in Pants

But happiness isn't all there is. It isn't enough to want to make someone happy, is it? There has to be more. I guess that must have been what what wrong for Rob and I because I did want to make him happy. And I know he tried so hard to make me happy. But in the end, it would seem, we failed each other. I couldn't seem to figure out what he needed to make him happy and something in me was refusing to be happy at all. But I'm rambling. If it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't meant to be - que sera and all that. The world spins and we hold on, not necessarily because we want to but because it is all we know how to do. And eventually, we learn to make it what we want to do. Until then, though, my Tylenol, blankets and cup of tea are going to go curl up on the couch. I'll deal with the world tommorow...