Shake Hands With The Dallaire

I got to meet Romeo Dallaire today. For those who that means nothing to, Dallaire was the Force Commander of the United Nations Mission to Rwanda during the genocide. He wrote about his time there in a heart-wrenching honest book called "Shake Hands With The Devil." His book basically asked the question, "Are all humans human? Or are some more human than others?" It was one of the hardest things I've ever read and one of the most rewarding. It really an honour to hear him speak and to meet him. My job has really great perks somedays.

This post was going to be a lot more inspired, but I'm really tired and I'm going to go to bed instead. I'll leave you with a really cool excerpt from the book in my place...

What I have come to realize as the root of it all, however, is the fundamental indifference of the world community to the plight of seven to eight million black Africans in a tiny country that had no strategic or resource value to any world power. An overpopulated little country that turned in on itself and destroyed its own people, as the world watched and yet could not manage to find the political will to intervene. Engraved still in my brain is the judgment of a small group of bureaucrats who came to “asses” the situation in the first weeks of the genocide: “We will recommend to our governments not to intervene as the risks are high and all that is here are humans.”

Another Suitcase, Another Hall

Nothing in the world is quite so depressing as coming to home to piles of boxes, waiting to move out. That knowledge that no matter how hard you tried, it fell apart and you couldn't fix it. Chalk it up to another failure in my miserable life. Depressed yet? Yeah, me too. I wanted to try and fix it so badly - I wanted us to give it a second chance - but he wanted to walk away. You can't stop someone from walking away, once they've made up their mind. Apparently it just doesn't matter if you love them or if you're willing to change; when it comes down to it, they can break your heart in an instant. And you're never quite the same.

Rob's gone and I honestly wonder why the world hasn't stopped turning. Some part of me, deep inside, knows that this isn't the end of my life but god, it feels like it. I don't want to move on and be better off without him and experience the world as a single gal. I just want him to come home.

"And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky."

This is not to say that good things have not happened in my life lately. I just don't feel talking about them. It doesn't seem fair that such things can happen even when I so feel like shit. He said I was wearing him down, like I was some kind of painfully eroding force, slowly destroying him. Nobody wants to hear that. I have tried so hard to get better, to heal, to become normal and now I feel as though I have failed. As though, try as I might, I will never be good enough or normal enough. I was honestly happy with how far I had come. I was proud of how much stronger I was, how much healthier, and how much more put together I was. I was putting my life back together; against all odds, I was surviving and trying to flourish. And now... I have fallen back, five or so years, to that broken, unhappy girl who hated herself so deeply. I don't want to be her anymore but I suddenly feel like I can't escape her.

"It's never over. Not really. Not when you stay down there as long as I did, not when you've lived in the netherworld longer than you've lived in this material one, where things are very bright and large and make such strange noises. You never come back, not all the way. Always, there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier, thin as the glass of a mirror. You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." (Marya Hornbacher, Wasted)

One Week

I can't get the Barenaked Ladies song out of my head. Gah! But it has, in fact, been one week and things have not really gotten better. And they have gotten worse. So where does that leave me? Scared and alone; hurting and angry; busy and stressed. Any of these pairs is remarkably true. Giants knots of tension in my shoulders, restless sleeping, and upset stomach also factor in. Life seems a mess right now.

But, deep breath, there are a few good things. We have a new full-time girl at work who seems very nice and will probably help to de-stress the workload a bit. Though I continue to be at odds with one of the other employees, in general work is going well and I'm remembering why I love my job and the people I work for and with. And in geekery, we have a crew for the Dungeon quest, though not actual characters or anything yet, and one of our girls is a newbie who may be convinced to join other LRPs stuff. Woo hoo! And I have a possible character concept for the Ascension game, complete with in game tie-in.

And the first game, for me, of the Arthurian chronicle was fantastic and fun and an adrenaline rush. I haven't played a fundamentally nice character in a very long time, and my face actually was sore from smiling so much and laughing by the end of the time. Plus, I got to paint myself with blue watercolours which was a blast. I know Cori took a lot of pictures, so I hope I can get my hands on one at some point. Everyone looked so fabulous and fancy. The game itself was very different than anything else I've ever played in that no one really seemed to be scheming against eachother, or trying to stab eachother in the back. You could also take everything they said at face value, and the smiles all seemed real. I also got to dance with Scott Fox - and by dance, I mean stumble around the floor, as his character had three left feet (not literally!) and no clue how to dance. It was great. I haven't laughed so hard in a very long time. I still have no idea what any of my character stuff means or how to do downtime but I can't wait for the next game. I was telling a friend the other day about that high I used to get from playing Tempest and how I missed it, and I think I've found a different, but equally good, drug. I don't think I'll ever really get Adi out of my head but I think that Morwydd and I are going to have a lot of fun. Stay tuned for further adventures...

Less Than Happy Place

I may not be around or posting for a little while and I felt those of you who stuck with me long enough to see me come back online deserved that heads up. For those prone to freaking out about me, I am in fact fine but in a bad headspace and having some serious issues that need resolving. The world sort of stopped on Thursday night and I'm not sure when it plans to start turning again. I don't honestly want to talk about it - I just want it to be over. If you try to offer aid or a shoulder or anything like that and I ignore you, please keep that in mind. I'll be back... I always am. Pixie's are remarkably difficult creatures to get rid of. I just need some time...

Happy Places

I woke up from a nap this afternoon in a very contented state - a warm, sleepy Baby J was all curled up and asleep on my chest, 'Sana was napping, and Aria was upstairs quietly reading. It was a good place to be. I spent the whole day with the nieces crew (which in all fairness, includes a boy now, but will continue to be refered to as my nieces) and really had a great time. I don't know if it was that they were being particularily good today or I hadn't babysat them in a long time but it felt nice and normal. I used to spend all my time at Star and Eric's with the girls; granted I was a lot more broken back then but it was a huge part of my putting my life back together. It's nice to know that no matter how far away you go, your family is still there when you come home, arms wide open. I know that I have been very lucky in my life - somedays I am just reminded of it again.

Wet

I love long, hot showers. I don't know when this began - I never used to like showers at all, hot or cold - but somewhere along the line, I fell in love with the feeling of hot water pouring over top of me. I suspect that it had something to do with going days without showering during Wildfire, to the point that you had salt literally caked on your skin. Or maybe it was showering in Mexico where the water was as cold as ice and you could only use it for five minutes. Or maybe it was when I moved out and it was my shower, in my bathroom, in my house and it invoked a feeling of independance. Who knows. It's not like my shower is really that great. It's usually kind of dirty and there's no water pressure, and pretty much without fail, at some point during my shower, somebody will start using the hot water elsewhre in the house. But it's still one of the best parts of my day. *happy sigh* I like showers..

In other news, I have officially accomplished absolutely nothing today to contribute to life or the world in general. That is to say, I watched a lot of "Dark Angel" and ignored the world. It was... kind of nice. I knew there was a lot of stuff I needed to do or should have been doing, but I just couldn't be bothered. It's my day off and I wanted to be lazy and useless. I'll probably regret this decision later this week when I'm trying to fit a million things in inbetween work and having a life but at this particular moment, I do not feel any remorse. As Ridvan would always say, "No pity. No remorse." Of course he also said a lot of things like, "On the battlefield there is only one commandement - Thou Shalt Kill," so who can really trust his word. It was nice to have another geek in Wildfire with me, even if he was a Warhammer geek and not a roleplaying geek. The connection was still there, albeit a little bit weaker.

So Wildfire is going to be in Edmonton at the end of the month (I think). I'm terribly excited to see everyone again - they are afterall my second family and I haven't seen them in months - but I know that it is going to be incredibly difficult. I can't imagine watching them do the show and not being a part of it; watching other people doing my parts. I mean, at least when I was injured and I had to sit shows out, I knew it was only temporary and that I would be back up there soon. And I was still a part of the group and the show even if I couldn't dance. But now... it's all different. Part of me kind of wishes they weren't coming because I know how much it's going to hurt. But it will be good to see their faces again and hear how they're doing and all that jazz. But I confess, I'm really scared. I don't want to go through losing it all again...