Alive... Mostly

This weekend was my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary so as dutiful family members, we all made the trek down to Calgary to celebrate. Now don't get me wrong, I love my family, but that was a lot of family to deal with at once. Many many many people I didn't know but who all wanted to hear all about what I was up to. And quite honestly, most of the stuff that's happening in my life currently, is not G-rated or appropriate to tell strangers about. So I talked a lot about work and starting school in September and that seemed to satisfy most people. My great-aunt and uncle from Stratford were there and having not seen them since I finished Wildfire, it was nice to catch-up. And my uncle and new wife whose wedding I went to in Mexico in February were there which was cool, and my aunt, the writer, and her partner Mark, the writer, who I barely ever see. It was strange though - part of the time I was treated like one of the adults, talking about the book world, the state of the world in general and other such things, but then other times, it was like I was still ten years old. I think it didn't help that Marc and Dan both had their significant others with them and I didn't. It actually hit me really hard on Sunday morning that Rob had been suppose to be there with me and he wasn't. I felt very alone for a while. But I got over it because wallowing is never good for me.

And speaking of things that are not good for me - I am sick. Ugh. My head is pounding, my throat feels like it has been run over with a scrapper, my ears hurt and I generally feel like I was hit by a truck. It sucks. Even my eyes hurt! I really don't have time to be sick either. Our two new employees come in on Wednesday for training and I'm busy prepping for University and attempting to have a life/see my friends/spend time with my little sister. And all I want to do is curl up on the couch and pretend the world doesn't exist. Blah...

A memory that makes me smile:

It couldn't have been very long after Rob and I started dating - maybe two or three months - when I got really really sick. Horrible flu/cold thing that left me feeling dead. Much like this feeling, actually. Rob was suppose to be going out somewhere (maybe Monday night gaming?) and I had talked to him briefly on the phone that evening before crashing onto my couch. I think I had two sweaters on and was wrapped up in a blanket, I was so cold, and I hadn't eaten in about two days. And then the doorbell rang. I stumbled over to the stairs, and there was Rob, standing outside my door. When I let him in, he showed me that he brought me Tim Horton's chicken noodle soup and a bagel or something like that. I was floored. It was one of those moments that made you sure that this was a good thing.

I sat down at the kitchen table to eat the soup but was really having troubles swallowing and so it was taking a while. I suddenly got very dizzy and the next thing I knew Rob was shaking me and something very hot was running down my arm. I had passed out and spilled the soup all over myself. He sat me back up, and started wiping the soup off my sweater but the only thought I could put together was 'bucket.' He grabbed my bucket from by the couch and I puked. And puked, and puked, and puked. And he held my hair back off my face until I'd finished and then helped me over to the bathroom. I honestly don't remember exactly what happened at that point, but I know he got me cleaned off and lay me back on the couch, and then he cleaned up all the spilt soup and the puke, and put my sweater in the wash.

I felt truly loved in those moments. It's one of the things I miss about our relationship - knowing that no matter what happened, he was there to take care of me. In the end, that proved not to be true, but for a long time that knowledge helped me to heal and to put my life back together. There are days now when I miss him so much it hurts but the truth is that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him again. The way things ended soured any chance of being able to be with him in the future, but I would give anything to have someone love me like that again. Especially on days like today, when I just need someone to take care of me because I can't do it myself. That isn't true though - I can do it myself, I just don't want to.

“We were meant to be together.”
“How did you know?”
“Because when I lay with you in my bed, there was a moment when I could feel everything you had been through and I had this idea that if I could make you happy, then I would be happy too.
-Ann Brashares, Girls in Pants

But happiness isn't all there is. It isn't enough to want to make someone happy, is it? There has to be more. I guess that must have been what what wrong for Rob and I because I did want to make him happy. And I know he tried so hard to make me happy. But in the end, it would seem, we failed each other. I couldn't seem to figure out what he needed to make him happy and something in me was refusing to be happy at all. But I'm rambling. If it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't meant to be - que sera and all that. The world spins and we hold on, not necessarily because we want to but because it is all we know how to do. And eventually, we learn to make it what we want to do. Until then, though, my Tylenol, blankets and cup of tea are going to go curl up on the couch. I'll deal with the world tommorow...