Same Old Story
Sometimes life catches up with you at the strangest times.
I was helping a customer to pick out a book for a gift and found myself flipping through books about enduring love and friendships, the power of a promise, hope in the face of despair and whatnot. I found that I was getting choked up as each book told me, 'No matter how hard it is, you must always try.' And I thought, I haven't been very good at trying lately. I think the people in my life know that I love them and care about them - I'm good at expressing myself with words - but how many times have I said I'd be there and not followed through? How many people have I promised we would never lose touch and then never called? It's too easy to get distracted with the busy-ness of everyday life and push the past further and further away.
I still haven't seen my cousin and her baby since they moved to Edmonton; emails from Jess, Laura and other older friends sit gathering dust in my inbox; Hunter, Nathan and Roya have all tried to contact me but other than Alyssa, I still haven't really spoken to anyone since leaving Wildfire; Mike remains the only person to successfully make me following through on coffee dates and some of my siblings become more distant everyday. They say no man is an island but I don't have the time or the energy to build the bridges needed to make that true. I think half of the reason I fear the end of relationships and hang on to them even if I know they're dead is that I also know even if we say we'll stay friends, we won't.
Am I a bad person if I'm not willing to put in the effort required to sustain anything? I'm tired all the time as it is. I don't know that I can handle feeling guilty on top of everything else. But I do. I hate that I'm not a better friend to the people who love me. I hate that I'm unreliable at best. And I hate that this even though I know this depression is a slump that will pass, caused by forgetting to take my pills last night, the truth will remain the same afterwards.
They say the first step is admitting you have a problem... So what's step two?
Sometimes life catches up with you at the strangest times.
I was helping a customer to pick out a book for a gift and found myself flipping through books about enduring love and friendships, the power of a promise, hope in the face of despair and whatnot. I found that I was getting choked up as each book told me, 'No matter how hard it is, you must always try.' And I thought, I haven't been very good at trying lately. I think the people in my life know that I love them and care about them - I'm good at expressing myself with words - but how many times have I said I'd be there and not followed through? How many people have I promised we would never lose touch and then never called? It's too easy to get distracted with the busy-ness of everyday life and push the past further and further away.
I still haven't seen my cousin and her baby since they moved to Edmonton; emails from Jess, Laura and other older friends sit gathering dust in my inbox; Hunter, Nathan and Roya have all tried to contact me but other than Alyssa, I still haven't really spoken to anyone since leaving Wildfire; Mike remains the only person to successfully make me following through on coffee dates and some of my siblings become more distant everyday. They say no man is an island but I don't have the time or the energy to build the bridges needed to make that true. I think half of the reason I fear the end of relationships and hang on to them even if I know they're dead is that I also know even if we say we'll stay friends, we won't.
Am I a bad person if I'm not willing to put in the effort required to sustain anything? I'm tired all the time as it is. I don't know that I can handle feeling guilty on top of everything else. But I do. I hate that I'm not a better friend to the people who love me. I hate that I'm unreliable at best. And I hate that this even though I know this depression is a slump that will pass, caused by forgetting to take my pills last night, the truth will remain the same afterwards.
They say the first step is admitting you have a problem... So what's step two?
I was helping a customer to pick out a book for a gift and found myself flipping through books about enduring love and friendships, the power of a promise, hope in the face of despair and whatnot. I found that I was getting choked up as each book told me, 'No matter how hard it is, you must always try.' And I thought, I haven't been very good at trying lately. I think the people in my life know that I love them and care about them - I'm good at expressing myself with words - but how many times have I said I'd be there and not followed through? How many people have I promised we would never lose touch and then never called? It's too easy to get distracted with the busy-ness of everyday life and push the past further and further away.
I still haven't seen my cousin and her baby since they moved to Edmonton; emails from Jess, Laura and other older friends sit gathering dust in my inbox; Hunter, Nathan and Roya have all tried to contact me but other than Alyssa, I still haven't really spoken to anyone since leaving Wildfire; Mike remains the only person to successfully make me following through on coffee dates and some of my siblings become more distant everyday. They say no man is an island but I don't have the time or the energy to build the bridges needed to make that true. I think half of the reason I fear the end of relationships and hang on to them even if I know they're dead is that I also know even if we say we'll stay friends, we won't.
Am I a bad person if I'm not willing to put in the effort required to sustain anything? I'm tired all the time as it is. I don't know that I can handle feeling guilty on top of everything else. But I do. I hate that I'm not a better friend to the people who love me. I hate that I'm unreliable at best. And I hate that this even though I know this depression is a slump that will pass, caused by forgetting to take my pills last night, the truth will remain the same afterwards.
They say the first step is admitting you have a problem... So what's step two?
6 Comments:
At 11:33 PM, Digital Angel said…
Letting go of fear?
At 11:48 PM, Anonymous said…
The next step is deciding to do something about it.
It's relatively easy to say "I have a problem", but doing something about it requires a committment. This isn't saying I don't respect you for admitting you have one - it's saying that now it's time to take the next step.
*hug* As a suggestion, set aside X amount of time every other day to catch up on things. I'll occasionally go through my addresses in my email and email everyone on them, just to say "Hi" and to let them know they're in my thoughts. It usually spawns into months of contact with people before it peters out.
At 2:25 PM, Anonymous said…
ITs hard Jeanne, and I have forgotted to email roya and others. But its more than that and you know it. It is the fact that you dont want to lose people who you were so close to at one point- but it seems inevitable now, doesnt it.
At 1:20 PM, Raven said…
I suck an maintaining friendships, too. Mostly, because my time is so tight and the pressures of raising special needs kid(s) drain a lot out of me, I simply trust that friends will be friends, and leave it at that. There's a lot of people I can get together with, and feel like no time has past since we last spoke. There's other people where the relationships drift, and I'm learning that that's okay. It's not like I deliberately stopped being their friend. It's just that life keeps moving, and it is physically impossible to hold onto _everything_. You do what you can. That's enough. The real friends will understand.
At 7:54 PM, Janice said…
*loves on you* Depression is hard that way *snuggles* if you ever need anything you know nolan and I are here for you any time you need it!
At 9:38 PM, Jessica said…
Katie gave me something when we graduated -- a piece of paper about the importance of les girls. The phrase in it that has always stuck with me is "a girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach". Loyalty and love don't always equate to constant contact, and it's not perfect, but it's what there is. That said, I would always love to hear from you. I just got back from vacation, so I'm working weekdays but free weekends. Give me a ring! And I hope you feel better and everything is going more shinily in your life.
Post a Comment
<< Home