Purged

And just like that... he's gone. My things are pushed into piles on either side of two rooms, everything familiar seems to have disappeared, and my cat isn't greeting when I get home from work. He's packed up and moved on. Why can't I move on? Why does this hurt so much? Why couldn't he have moved my memories out too?

How do you get someone out of your mind, your system and your heart when everything - and I do mean everything - makes you think of him? I feel trapped in some hell-ish Purgatory of our relationship. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to remember. And I think that I wish it had never happened.

When I left Wildfire, Monica gave me a goodbye card. As I sat here, pondering how much my life sucked, I happened to look over to a pile of papers and it was sitting on top. I picked it up and read the quote on the inside and started to cry.

"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..." (Rainer Maria Rilke)

I'm trying guys. Have patience with me. I'll be back, but I'm still a long way away. I hope you'll all wait for me...