Another Suitcase, Another Hall
Nothing in the world is quite so depressing as coming to home to piles of boxes, waiting to move out. That knowledge that no matter how hard you tried, it fell apart and you couldn't fix it. Chalk it up to another failure in my miserable life. Depressed yet? Yeah, me too. I wanted to try and fix it so badly - I wanted us to give it a second chance - but he wanted to walk away. You can't stop someone from walking away, once they've made up their mind. Apparently it just doesn't matter if you love them or if you're willing to change; when it comes down to it, they can break your heart in an instant. And you're never quite the same.
Rob's gone and I honestly wonder why the world hasn't stopped turning. Some part of me, deep inside, knows that this isn't the end of my life but god, it feels like it. I don't want to move on and be better off without him and experience the world as a single gal. I just want him to come home.
"And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky."
This is not to say that good things have not happened in my life lately. I just don't feel talking about them. It doesn't seem fair that such things can happen even when I so feel like shit. He said I was wearing him down, like I was some kind of painfully eroding force, slowly destroying him. Nobody wants to hear that. I have tried so hard to get better, to heal, to become normal and now I feel as though I have failed. As though, try as I might, I will never be good enough or normal enough. I was honestly happy with how far I had come. I was proud of how much stronger I was, how much healthier, and how much more put together I was. I was putting my life back together; against all odds, I was surviving and trying to flourish. And now... I have fallen back, five or so years, to that broken, unhappy girl who hated herself so deeply. I don't want to be her anymore but I suddenly feel like I can't escape her.
"It's never over. Not really. Not when you stay down there as long as I did, not when you've lived in the netherworld longer than you've lived in this material one, where things are very bright and large and make such strange noises. You never come back, not all the way. Always, there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier, thin as the glass of a mirror. You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." (Marya Hornbacher, Wasted)
Nothing in the world is quite so depressing as coming to home to piles of boxes, waiting to move out. That knowledge that no matter how hard you tried, it fell apart and you couldn't fix it. Chalk it up to another failure in my miserable life. Depressed yet? Yeah, me too. I wanted to try and fix it so badly - I wanted us to give it a second chance - but he wanted to walk away. You can't stop someone from walking away, once they've made up their mind. Apparently it just doesn't matter if you love them or if you're willing to change; when it comes down to it, they can break your heart in an instant. And you're never quite the same.
Rob's gone and I honestly wonder why the world hasn't stopped turning. Some part of me, deep inside, knows that this isn't the end of my life but god, it feels like it. I don't want to move on and be better off without him and experience the world as a single gal. I just want him to come home.
"And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky."
This is not to say that good things have not happened in my life lately. I just don't feel talking about them. It doesn't seem fair that such things can happen even when I so feel like shit. He said I was wearing him down, like I was some kind of painfully eroding force, slowly destroying him. Nobody wants to hear that. I have tried so hard to get better, to heal, to become normal and now I feel as though I have failed. As though, try as I might, I will never be good enough or normal enough. I was honestly happy with how far I had come. I was proud of how much stronger I was, how much healthier, and how much more put together I was. I was putting my life back together; against all odds, I was surviving and trying to flourish. And now... I have fallen back, five or so years, to that broken, unhappy girl who hated herself so deeply. I don't want to be her anymore but I suddenly feel like I can't escape her.
"It's never over. Not really. Not when you stay down there as long as I did, not when you've lived in the netherworld longer than you've lived in this material one, where things are very bright and large and make such strange noises. You never come back, not all the way. Always, there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier, thin as the glass of a mirror. You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." (Marya Hornbacher, Wasted)
Rob's gone and I honestly wonder why the world hasn't stopped turning. Some part of me, deep inside, knows that this isn't the end of my life but god, it feels like it. I don't want to move on and be better off without him and experience the world as a single gal. I just want him to come home.
"And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky."
This is not to say that good things have not happened in my life lately. I just don't feel talking about them. It doesn't seem fair that such things can happen even when I so feel like shit. He said I was wearing him down, like I was some kind of painfully eroding force, slowly destroying him. Nobody wants to hear that. I have tried so hard to get better, to heal, to become normal and now I feel as though I have failed. As though, try as I might, I will never be good enough or normal enough. I was honestly happy with how far I had come. I was proud of how much stronger I was, how much healthier, and how much more put together I was. I was putting my life back together; against all odds, I was surviving and trying to flourish. And now... I have fallen back, five or so years, to that broken, unhappy girl who hated herself so deeply. I don't want to be her anymore but I suddenly feel like I can't escape her.
"It's never over. Not really. Not when you stay down there as long as I did, not when you've lived in the netherworld longer than you've lived in this material one, where things are very bright and large and make such strange noises. You never come back, not all the way. Always, there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier, thin as the glass of a mirror. You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." (Marya Hornbacher, Wasted)
3 Comments:
At 7:54 PM, Anonymous said…
You can't hate yourself. After all, you have a fox who loves you. And foxes are never wrong about such things, so therefore you must be loveable, and should by extension love yourself. Logic wins the day again!
Fox
At 9:22 AM, Lori said…
I'm so sorry Jeanne. I can't pretend to know what it's like but you must know that there are many, many people who love you and care about you. You are an amazing and strong person and nobody can change that.
At 3:04 PM, Harlequin said…
You know, I personally felt that Rob's endless determination not to get (or stay) angry would be a grinding-down force he'd be inflicting on himself, no matter who the relationship might be with.
Put his comments to you in that context, babe. Loving someone is hard work. Getting tired of doing it... that happens. Maybe the distinction is that True Love is one which is always worth the work. And the only way to tell is to risk it, risk the heartbreak of finding out that the game isn't worth the candle.
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