Squeaky Floors
My brother is playing Dance Dance Revolution of some variety upstairs and the floor is being remarkably noisy. It sort of feels like it's about to collapse on my head. Which, as you can imagine, is a little disconcerting. But it did look like it might be sort of fun to attempt so I may have to pull it out sometime this week and give it a shot. When, of course, nobody is home to watch me make a fool out of myself...
I went to the Jubilee with my parents last night to watch my sister (Squirt) perform in a fundraiser for the 'Kids with Cancer' society. It was an entire show of dance and as beautiful as it was, it made me very sad. I miss dancing. I mean, I miss traditional ballet dancing and training at the dance school and going to competitions, but I also miss Wildfire dancing. And I miss doing shows and having choreographed numbers. And I miss teaching little kids to dance. I feel like I've drifted so far away from performing and I really truly regret that. Performing, being on stage, makes me happy. It's a lot of heartache usually and I get annoyed with the people, the politics and the circumstances often, but in the end being on stage makes me feel so much more alive. These days I kind of feel like I'm just going through the motions of a normal life. Nothing is really terribly exciting or inspiring. I go to work, I sleep, I watch tv, I read. I visit friends sometimes but it's all very mundane. When did I become a mundane? And how do I fix that? During Wildfire I would tell stories to Alyssa about my crazy adventures back home and know it seems like those happened to somebody else. Does "getting better" mean that you have to give up your fire or is it possible to walk the very fine line that is sanity?
I went to the Jubilee with my parents last night to watch my sister (Squirt) perform in a fundraiser for the 'Kids with Cancer' society. It was an entire show of dance and as beautiful as it was, it made me very sad. I miss dancing. I mean, I miss traditional ballet dancing and training at the dance school and going to competitions, but I also miss Wildfire dancing. And I miss doing shows and having choreographed numbers. And I miss teaching little kids to dance. I feel like I've drifted so far away from performing and I really truly regret that. Performing, being on stage, makes me happy. It's a lot of heartache usually and I get annoyed with the people, the politics and the circumstances often, but in the end being on stage makes me feel so much more alive. These days I kind of feel like I'm just going through the motions of a normal life. Nothing is really terribly exciting or inspiring. I go to work, I sleep, I watch tv, I read. I visit friends sometimes but it's all very mundane. When did I become a mundane? And how do I fix that? During Wildfire I would tell stories to Alyssa about my crazy adventures back home and know it seems like those happened to somebody else. Does "getting better" mean that you have to give up your fire or is it possible to walk the very fine line that is sanity?
3 Comments:
At 8:54 AM , Raven said...
"These days I kind of feel like I'm just going through the motions of a normal life."
Yeah.
I bet if we took a poll, most of us would feel like that, some or all of the time. I know I do.
Somewhere inside me is a happy, spontaneous, daring, mischief-maker. But here I am, day after day, going through the motions of being a good mother and good(-ish) housewife. I feel like screaming "I want my life back!"
I can't tell you how to deal with your threat of mundanity, but for me, I remind myself that this IS the life I chose, and although it may somedays feel boring, it's not. Not really.
The difference for me is that I can choose to live a mundane life and then, out of the blue, do something crazy - like organize a LARP, or going to California, or swordfighting on Whyte Ave. I'm still _me_ underneath. When I lose the ability to do spontaneous and strange things, then I'll be boring and normal.
To me, Jeanne, you are far, far from normal.
At 9:11 AM , Anonymous said...
Sounds like I'm going to have to recruit you into The Order for your own good.
\/''''\/ Gorra, Terror of the North
|\,,/|
At 7:33 PM , Digital Angel said...
Or you can be completely insane like me and give your time away to multiple organizations for free and never have enough time to think about your normal mundane life... ;)
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