Red-Headed Pixie



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Saturday, September 25, 2004


And that's a wrap folks - A Chorus Line presented by Festival Players is officially closed.

Tonight's show went well. Not nearly as fabulous as the first two nights, but I mean, it was good. I didn't stay for more than about 20mins of the cast party. Just wasn't in the mood. I've been thinking back over the past 5 and a 1/2 months, and thinking of all the shit I went through for this show. So here are some thoughts, random comments, highlights, and lowlights:

  1. The feeling that no one would notice if I stopped showing up, never went away over the entire rehersal period. I always felt deep inside that no one really noticed that I was there, unless they directly needed me for something - usually covering their asses.
  2. You can change people's opinions of you, but it takes a lot of work. I don't know if it was worth it. Was them knowing they had made a mistake enough to make up for it? I'm not sure.
  3. Being a swing can be an incredibly fun part, but leaves you feeling entirely unfufilled.
  4. Lowlight: Listening to my double cast butcher our part of At the Ballet. Ow.
  5. After 10 years of doing theater, and over two dozen shows, my parents for the first time brought me flowers after a show tonight. I now have a gorgeous bouquet of orange carnations on my desk - granted they're in a waterbottle, but they still look beautiful.
  6. In the lobby after tonight's show, I had a couple of people who had seen the show both weekends tell me "You were much better than {your double cast}."
  7. I've had very few people in my life tell me that they were 'proud' of me for doing a show. That is a really wonderful feeling though. The fact that I can make someone proud, by doing something I love... that's a good life.
  8. Maybe I can't do math, but damn it, I can belt a high G. That's a much rarer talent.
  9. Purposely dancing badly is way harder than you'd expect.
  10. Lowlight: Listening to 'Maggie' singing At the Ballet, and not hitting the top note.
  11. Highlight: Meeting somebody else who thinks that books are cool, and is currently taking Library Studies at the U.
  12. Seeing the director from Oliver! realize that I could actually sing, was a cool moment. In my most non-mature fashion - HaHaHa!
  13. The following lyrics still seeem to fit my life, "Give me the chance to look forward to sayin': 'Hey, listen, they're playing my song.' Play me the music. Give me the chance to come through. All I ever needed was the music, and the mirror, and the chance to dance for you."
  14. I think I might actually miss some of the people from the show. Wierd. Usually I can't wait to get away from them. Though... there are certain individuals (read: ex-boyfriends) to whom that still applies.
  15. Raspberry Sour Puss. Mmmmm...


Okay, I'm tired now. I think I am going to go crash. I have to work tommorow and that usually goes better when I'm awake. Ah well. Night cyberspace.

posted by Pixie at 1:56 PM




Friday, September 24, 2004


In an attempt to make my blog more intresting, and make you people actually comment on it, I will henceforth post random lists, and I encourage you all to fill them out and post them in the comments section. I will always put my list underneath the day's question. Please at least try to participate. I like hearing from you guys... Oh, and yes, it does have to be an 8 and a 1/2 reason list. That part is very important.

Today's question, "Why is your significant other fabulous?"

(If you do not have a S.O, it can be why your {insert person here} is fabulous, or what would a fabulous S.O be for you, or something else fun like that.)
***

Reasons Why My Boy Is Fabulous - A list by Pixie
1. He can cook, and used this skill to make me breakfast on Sunday morning so I didn't go to work hungry, and to bake cookies which he let me quality control test.
2. He, not only introduces me to people, but introduces me as his girlfriend.
3. He puts an extra blanket on his bed when I come over just because he knows I get cold at night.
4. He gives me massages when I was stupid and over extended myself at Capoeira.
5. He laughs at me when I'm acting like an idiot.
6. He spent the first week we were together having to deal with my crying almost every day because of the accident and the funerals, and he was there whenever I needed a shoulder.
7. He doesn't do that mushy couple stuff - thank god. (After posting this he proceeded to post incredibly mushy stuff on the comments, so I have had to remove this as one of his fabulous traits. Sigh.) He doesn't lie to me. And yes, this is actually a unique trait amongst my significant others.
8. He lets me borrow his big comfy shirt, and his Terry Pratchett books.
and a 1/2. He's cute, and he smells good.



posted by Pixie at 3:45 PM




Wednesday, September 22, 2004


Truth be told, I try not think about it as much as possible. Everytime I do, this awful lump appears in my throat and my eyes water up, and yea... not fun. But yesterday Laura wrote about him on her blog, and I couldn't help but think about him. And I realized, I wish I had more stories to tell. I wish I had more memories to share, and words of wisdom from him. I want to share with people how wonderful a person he was, and I can't really. But that's life right? We never get enough time with the people we care about.

That's how I feel. I feel like the worst part of all of this is all the loss for all the people who never got to meet Luke. People who never got to see his smile, or have him hug them, or just hang out with him. All of us who knew him are hurting incredibly still, but at least we got the chance to meet him. Some even got the chance to be close with him. I never told Laura and Becca how jealous I was of their friendship with Luke. He was the kind of person I wanted to know better, but I wasn't at a place in life where I wanted to add more ties to my life. And now, I wish that I had taken that chance. I wish that I had talked to him more often, and gone out with the HOs more, and... just been a part of that group. I loved that group, and it's only now that I'm healing that I realize just how much I miss them. Before it never really registered because everything in my life hurt so much. Now that most things don't hurt, I'm discovering what still does. The things I really care about.

Somedays I wish that I had coconuts, and cacti, and puzzle cards, and Hobania, and movies, and ice cream, and rain... but I don't. What I have is smiles, and 'Have a good night' everyday after school, and a decided lack of tact, and full contact spoons, and learning how to jump a car battery, and hugs when I was having really bad days, and... well memories. Just little things that remind me of him, and little things that I can hold on to.

It's been three and a half weeks now. It doesn't feel like that much time has gone by. I still feel like it's the first week of school, and I'm lost and alone and afraid, and I still feel like it was only last night that Laura and Becca called me. They say funerals are a time for closure, but I don't believe that. I still have grief, and mourning, and what feels like an open wound. I didn't get to say goodbye to him. I barely, really, got to say hello to him.

I miss him. I miss him, and it hurts, and I wish to God that he was still here. I wish that Laura still had her best friend, and Mark still had his big brother, and that the HOs were still had a full contingency. But he's gone, and I can't change it. And that... that's the hardest part. I can't make it better. I can't fix this. All I can do is cry, and miss him, and pray that the people who loved him will get through this relatively unscarred.


posted by Pixie at 4:12 PM




Tuesday, September 21, 2004


I don't know that I'm entirely pleased with the new design. I think the basic problem is that it's essentially the same with some minor differences. The difficulty with this is that I'm not sure what I would want to change it to, beyond this, or that I really have the time to take on such a project. I could, like Haley has in the past, use a premade template, but I've not yet found one I like. I shall have to give this matter further consideration. Please let me know if you have thoughts on it...

posted by Pixie at 1:07 PM




Sunday, September 19, 2004


I am cold, and alone, and bored. I hate having no money. Have I ever mentioned that? I really loathe and despise it. Because I know that I could be out with friends right now, enjoying my life, and instead I am writing this, and shaking from the cold.

Stupid life.

posted by Pixie at 7:09 PM




Friday, September 17, 2004


Over the past few days, I've kept asking myself, "Why do I this? Why do I put myself through this?" As rehersal drag on, and opening night seems like it'll never come, and your fellow cast members are driving you up the wall, it's hard to remember why you started all this in the first place.

Now I remember.

This feeling... a pure high. The most amazing, fantastic feeling in the world. The adrenline pumping through your body, and a smile you just can't get off your face. A feeling of knowing that everything went right, and the world is a good place. And people after hugging you and telling you how "very very very very fabulous" you were. Running into a director who had given you a shitty part, and seeing the look on his face that shows he realized that he misjudged you. Running into old cast members you didn't know would be there, who congratulate you and want to know when they get to work with you again. And friends you haven't seen in months, and... Christ, it's a good world.

Somedays it's so hard to put up with the crap that comes with theater. The politiking, and the divas, and the "conflicting visions" and watching people do something you /know/ you could do better. It's hard. And it hurts. And it leaves this bruised feeling inside you, a constant ache that you can't get rid of. And you just want to run away and never come back to the stage. But nights like tonight.. they make you remember.

My first show was in grade four. I was a bank robber in Tom Sawyer. And tonight, I realized, that despite all the shit that I may go through, one thing in my life will never change - I will always be in love with theater. It will always be a part of my life. Universal truth. Or at least, my universal truth.

"Throw me a rope to grab on to,
Help me to prove that I'm strong.
Give me the chance to look forward to sayin'
'Hey, listen they're playin' my song.'
Play me the music
Give me a chance to come through,
All I ever needed was the music and the mirror
And a chance to dance--"

posted by Pixie at 11:22 PM




Thursday, September 16, 2004


I have done a great many things in my life in the name of theater. I will not list them here, for I fear for my more sensitive audience. Suffice to say, some of the things I have done would leave your blood running cold, and your mind reeling.

But today... today I went far beyond anything I had ever done before. Today I made a huge sacrifice for my art.

Today I blow dried my hair, and styled it.

*shudder*

What is the world coming to?

posted by Pixie at 4:56 PM




Tuesday, September 14, 2004


The sub in my computer class just told me to make my own weblog. Seriously. The teacher didn't leave any work for me, and I had none from before that I could work on so... yea, free period I guess. Oh well, I had been meaning to revamp my blog for a while. Maybe that's what I'll do. I apologize for the inconvienences that changing html may cause. Hopefully this will be a relatively painless process.

Ha.


posted by Pixie at 1:00 AM




Sunday, September 12, 2004


Every time I talk to anyone these days, I get looked at with big eyes, and sympathetic half-smiles, and asked how I'm doing. And it's not that I don't appreciate the emotion, it's just that it's getting a little tiring. Because how I am isn't changing every five minutes, which is about how often I'm required to answer the question. I love that everyone is so supportive, and that everyone wants to be there for me, but on the other hand I really want to push everyone as far away as I can and curl up by myself in the dark. Hypocritcal? Yes. Do I care? No.

So, this has definately been the week from hell. Interspursed with small moments of happiness, but mostly overwhelming awfulness. I've started going longer and longer between being upset about it, but it seems worse when I do actually start thinking about it. And I can no longer find the words to express how I feel, what I'm going through, or even my memories of them. Laura and Becca and Jess have all written such beautiful words abotu Luke, and I can't find a single one. My thoughts are scrambled enough in my brain, I can't even start to organize them for you all.

I'm hoping next week will be a bit better. It has to be, right? Besides Chorus Line opens on Friday, so I have to be better. I don't have a choice at this point. And I can't miss any more classes. I refuse to fuck this year up again. I'm going to do it right, I'm going to do it properly. I have to finish this time. Because if I don't do it now, it's never going to happen. I can promise you that.

In other news, I want a tattoo. And I think that I might actually do something about it at this point. We'll see though. It is kind of expensive. But it's worth a shot. I need to do something intresting with my life right about now, or I might possibly fall back in the depression that was my life. I've come too far to go back. I refuse. As wierd as it is, I like being this happy, healthy person. I enjoy not being suicidal, and not havind EDs. It's kind of a nice feeling. So there's no way that I'm going back. I just... I just can't. I can't live through that again. I don't think I would either. It suprises me enough that I lived through it the first time. Best not tempt Fate.

What's that Myrna always says?
Some people say, "You shouldn't tempt Fate."
And for them I can not disagree.
But I never learned nothing from playing it safe.
I say, "Fate should not tempt me!"
- Mary Chapin Carpenter

Night all. This has been another episode of the trauma and soap opera that is Pixie's life. Tune in again for further developments.

posted by Pixie at 8:53 PM




Wednesday, September 08, 2004


I'm tired. Tired of being in the chorus. Tired of being second best. Tired of not being noticed. Tired of invisibility and unimportance. And I know it'll never change, but I can't stop doing it. It's my life, and it's who I am. I need it. Maybe that's just the masochist in me coming out againm, though. I wish... I wish that just once in my life I would get a real part, and people would notice I existed, and care. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! And I don't know what to do about it. Can't live with it, can't live without it. Rock and a hard place. Shitty, and shittier.

Something Positive managed to sum up my life fairly well today: "If my life were anymore of a let down right now, it would be the ending of a Stephen King novel."

posted by Pixie at 11:25 PM




Tuesday, September 07, 2004


I have had such an incredibly emotional yo-yo weekend. On the one hand, I'm deleriously happy about new developments in life, and on the other, I can't stop crying it all hurts so much.

For those who haven't heard, three of my IB friends from Sal were killed in that car crash outside of Rocky Mountain House on Friday. I found out Sat night, after I got home from work, and have been trying to deal since then. This is not going very well for you. I don't do well with death. Especially the death of three young adults with absolutely incredibly lives ahead of them, and the potential to do the world a lot of good. And now, they'll never get that chance.

This week is shaping up to be the week from hell. Between viewings, memorials, funerals, and trying to be there for the others, I still have to go to school, go to rehersal, and generally try to continue on with life. I mean, when I said I like multi-tasking, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I just don't know how I'm expected to be able to focus on solving linear equations, when the world as I know it, is falling apart around me. And the worst is, that no one at Ainlay will have known them. I won't have anyone to sit and talk about them with, or just to sit and understand what the other person is going through. Everyone who knew them is in Sherwood Park, and I'll admit, I'm feeling rather lonely out here right about now. Thank god for Star, and Eric, and Rob. I honestly don't know that I'd have made it through the past three days without them. And I suddenly appreciate my mother more than ever, as she drives out here to pick me up, and take me back to the Park on a moment's notice, and has already offered to drive me to all of the... events this week.

If you don't hear from me much this week, or I don't respond to an email you send, or whatnot, please understand why. I'm trying to keep living life, but this whole grieving thing keeps getting in the way. Give me time, and I promise your Pixie will be back. Right now though... well, give her time.

That's all for today. Please be safe, all of you. I don't think I could possibly bear to deal with another loss this week.

posted by Pixie at 7:46 AM




Wednesday, September 01, 2004


Memo to self: Next time the little voice in your head says, "No no, don't worry. Your day couldn't possibly get any worse," ignore it!! Do not go take a "relaxing" shower in the hopes that the world will seem like a better place.

I fucking hate my life somdays. 11:00pm is not going to come nearly soon enough. And no, don't bother asking me to elaborate, because I won't.

posted by Pixie at 9:13 PM