Red-Headed Pixie



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Saturday, December 27, 2003


Lemmings are funny.

See, I got the "100 Things" from Cora on December 21st. Then we saw it appear on December 22nd on the blogs of Haley, Katie, Anna, Raven, and Nolan. There was also a comment made bout making a list on Coni's journal that day, but time is precious, and unlike the rest of us she had better things to do. Following that day, there were a few days of calm. I blame Christmas. Then on the 26th of December, a list appeared on Myrna's blog. I think I saw another one on someone's blog on the 27th, but I don't remember who's it was, or anything like that, so yea.

I love my friends. We /are/ geeks, guys. And I can't think of anything I would rather be.

---

On a completely unrelated-ish topic: This year my friends managed to renew my faith in Christmas. For the most part. I was suprised with amazing gifts from my 'family' and other friends, and my boy managed to shock me with his amazing gift. My sister came up with a totally thoughtful gift, and for the first time in my life, my grandparents gift was not completely ugly, or about 12 years too young for me. I was shocked.

Christmas Eve I spent with my family, eating Korean food as is our tradition. I went to bed amazingly early, due to being sick, and really it was not a terribly exciting night.
Christmas Day I woke up waaaay too early, due to having gone to bed so early, and sat around reading and drinking tea until everyone else got up. We made French toast, had our breakfasts, and then finally got to opening stockings and gifts. It was very calm, and relaxed. Unlike certain previous years. After that, I spent most of the day either a) on my computer, b) listening to my new cd, or c)reading. We had Christmas dinner, and it was tasty. Then more sleep. Yay, sleep.
Boxing Day I had a matinee, which really managed to take up most of my day. But after... *grin* I went to my other house to spend time with my other family, and lots of friends. There was an amazing Christmas dinner (despite the fact that we kept calling it Thanksgiving dinner) and good company, and good conversation, and a really wonderful atmosphere. I laughed at discovering that both Myrna and I had bought Star the same gift - an elctric hand-held mixer. Yea, one of those everyday sorts of things. I almost cried when opening certain gifts, though they shall stay anonymous. *ahem books ahem* After much fun and gift-giving, I went with Star to drive Mike home. We then spent a good 45mins, randomly driving around Millwoods and talking. It was really cool. We got home, talked with Eric for awhile, and then all of us went to bed exhausted.

It was really a wonderful Christmas all around. I felt really lucky to get to spend time with my other family, and to be blessed with such wonderful people in my life. It reminded that not every day has to make me feel depressed, and like a failure.

And hey, it's not everyone who's LRPS character can get a Christmas present. Lucky Adi.

Well, off now. Night all! And if I didn't get to say it to you before, Merry Christmas everyone. I love you all.

posted by Pixie at 11:08 PM




Thursday, December 25, 2003


Guest Starring Now In Dreams Everywhere:

Pixie - as a fabulous Capoeira assasin

*cough* I mean, we are a hedge, move along...

posted by Pixie at 9:34 PM




Tuesday, December 23, 2003


*sob*

You see, I don't have enough dirty laundry ever to do seperate loads of white and darks. This has never really been a problem honestly. The whites come out white, the darks come out dark. It's a good system. But today... *sob* Today my favourite white shirt came out gray. Dark, ugly, splotchy, gray. I hate it! It's not fair! Why couldn't it have been something I didn't care about like underwear, or socks. Not my gorgeous, scoop necked, flowy sleeved, white shirt. My favourite white shirt! It's not fair!! I hate clothes. I hate them!

posted by Pixie at 5:14 PM




Sunday, December 21, 2003


Found this on Cora's weblog, and was bored, and thought it was fun looking. If you are also bored, fill it out. If not, just have a good laugh reading through it.

---

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.

2. Star the things that you have in common with me.

3. Whatever you don't star, replace with things about you. (unless you don't have that much time on your hands)

---

01. I am a Pixie.

02. I love collecting candles.*

03. Three hundred channels, with nothing on.****

04. The road to hell is littered with good intentions... and pants.

05. I actually know HTML.

06. Closed-minded people piss me off.****

07. I talk to myself... and answer back.****

08. I hate when people purposely try to irritate me.****

09. My cat is evil.****

10. The first snowfall of the year is precious.

11. I love getting things in the mail, but it's excruciating waiting for them.****

12. I'm on this computer too much****

13. I am in love with love.****

14. I don't smoke.****

15. Sleep is overrated

16. I need a (love) life****

17. I leave fascinating answering machine messages

18. I lack motivation.*

19. I am addicted to pain killers

20. I can type pretty damn fast.****

21. I love stuffed animals.****

22. I wish I could buy more things for the people I love.****

23. My computer has a name, and I talk to him.

24. Read, every day, something that no one else is reading. Think, every day, something that no one else is thinking.
Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to continually be part of unanimity.

25. I gush WAY too much.****

26. I love photos.

27. I want to help people.****

28. I'm a weird person.****

29. I love form-fitting, comfy jeans.(when i can find them)****

30. I don't do my laundry often enough.

31. I make my own rules.*

32. I should lose weight...****

33. I procrastinate. A LOT.****

34. There exist pictures of me naked, and not as a child.

35. I am a hypocrite.

36. I want to pretend I'm adopted.*

37. I wish I had more money.****

38. I'm overly emotional.****

39. I'm open to new music, but I hate it when people sneer at my music taste.****

40. There are fifteen books minimum in each room of my house (Washrooms included)*

41. I'm in love with dark.****

42. Really, red roses have never appealed to me all that much.

43. I'm right-handed.****

44. Some souls are destined to be together.

45. I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not.

46. It is not platypuses, it's platypi. Screw the dictionary.

47. If I could spend one day with any celebrity ever, I'd spend it with Ani.

48. I'm moving away and never looking back.****

49. I will someday go to Israel.

50. I miss kindergarten.****

51. I can't wait to be free of high school.****

52. Best friends are the ones who don't leave when the going gets tough.

53. I believe that everyone has one thing about themselves that they love. Mine is my collarbone.

54. I want to be kissed again.****

55. Modern fashion trends suck.

56. The dance floor is mine.*

57. Santa Claus is a myth.

58. People who can't take a hint are annoying.****

59. I like when my friends write me letters, it makes me feel special.****

60. I have so many goals for my future, I'm worried I won't fulfill them all.****

61. I hate unncessary violence.****

62. Anything for a thrill.****

63. The odd and the eccentric are attractive/attracted to me.

64. I miss taking walks by the river.*

65. The rain is beautiful.****

66. I get hurt too often.*

67. Stickers are fun.****

68. I like getting e-mails.****

69. When the phone rings, I can't resist answering it.****

70. I still sleep with my teddy bear.

71. I'm a geek and proud of it.****

72. Ooooh, shinies...

73. I dislike butch lesbians.****

74. I wish someone would send me flowers.****

75. I love being cared about.****

76. Musicals make me smile.

77. I love little kids.

78. I could get into bars if I tried.****

79. Dreams and wishes will keep me going.*

80. I wish I could express my thoughts, ideas, and stories better in words.****

81. Mmmmm, rice.

82. I push myself too far.****

83. I love crayons. Especially brand new ones.

84. I need a calling card.****

85. Sometimes, I just want to run, and never look back.

86. Shut up and hold me.****

87. Salads are great.****

88. I need more cuddles.****

89. I'm a hug whore..****

90. Homophobes suck.****

91. I love acting.****

92. I am a packrat.

93. The people who love me the most, know my signs.

94. I love the rain.****

95. Silver rings are my favorite.****

96. I hate filling out quizzes.****

97. We only get one life. Deal.

98. I am sick of dealing with stuck up jackasses.****

99. Fantasy over real-life anyday.

100. You make your own family.

Okay, you made it through all 100. Or.. you just scrolled down. Either way if you're really bored, like I was, Fill it out.


posted by Pixie at 1:06 AM




Saturday, December 20, 2003


One down - eight to go....

A few brief notes on tonight's show:
- My chest hurts!!!
- My throat hurts!!!
- Things went remarkably well, all things considered.
- I am very tired now.
- We got a standing ovation, and a second curtain call. It was awesome.
- Apparently there are only 90 tickets left for all of the shows. I hope that we completely sell out every show. If you aren't coming yet, buy tickets! Come see me!! And, of course, everyone else...
- I have to understudy a part now. I could be up there are early as tommorow. Gah! Quick costume changes here I come...
- Wearing a large, heavy, velvet jacket on stage makes you very sweaty. Blick. Want a shower now.
- The supidity of small children, in large numbers, overwhelms me.
- Norm is amazing.

Hmm oddly enough, I am really really craving sushi right now. Like amazingly so. Grr for not having a car, and being out in the middle of nowhere. Blah! Want sushi....

posted by Pixie at 11:03 PM




Tuesday, December 16, 2003


I wish that I could blame it all on the full moon. Or maybe that is was Friday the 13th. Or some sort of eclipse. Or maybe the planets all being aligned. But... I can't. And the straw that broke the camel's back.... I forgot to tape Dark Angel. I sometimes wonder to myself how I possibly pissed someone off enough, who had enough power to do so, to screw my life over completely. Seriously! Well, I'm sorry, whatever it was. Okay? I'm sorry! Please, can I have a normal life now?

And how fitting is it that the picture on my screensaver when I turned it on was this...?



Oh, and a side note: You know how people always talk about mascara running when they cry? Well, until today, I had never had that happen to me, and wasn't sure I really believed in it. Hmm, I knew there was a reason I didn't wear makeup, and my stage makeup was waterproof...

posted by Pixie at 10:15 PM






A Trip Down Memory Lane - as told by your resident Pixie

In the upstairs bathroom in our house, there is a shower. Not the bathtub type, but the plain shower type. And where the curtain gets pushed back to, is just next to the toilet. I remember that when I was very little, when I would go to the bathroom, I would sit there and be afraid that there was a monster hiding behind that curtain. It didn't really help that there was a fan in there that would cuase the curtain to ripple slightly. I just knew there was something back there, and it scared me so much. I would want to hit the curtain, to prove to myself nothing was there, but I couldn't bring myself to just in case my hit connected with something solid. I don't think it helped the situation that we used that spot as a hiding spot for Hide-n-Go-Seek. Well, today I went into the bathroom, and the curtain was hanging outside of the shower. So I pushed it back in, without even thinking about it. I wasn't worried that something was hiding back there, waiting to get me.

It got me to thinking about how some things really change, and some never do. Downstairs in our house, we have the big pantry. We keep canned food, Scouting stuff, buckets, pop, other random things in there. But the wierd thing about that pantry, is that the lightswitch is on the outside. And I remember that when I was younger, I would never open that door until I had turned the light on, and the door had to be firmly closed before I would turn the light off. I felt that something was in there, but if the light was on it, it couldn't get me. To this day, I still turn on the light before opening the door, and shut if off after the door is closed. It's not so much that I really think something is in there anymore, as I get a creepy, chest constricting feeling if I don't. Like the logic side of my brain gets overwritten, and fear of the supernatural kicks in.

I don't believe that there are monsters in my closet anymore, but I do still believe in the monsters. My closet isn't that big, and there'd be nowhere to sit down, so I know they've found better places to hide. I know that there are still monsters in the world, lurking. Monsters in all shapes and all sizes. I don't know what they want, or why they've come here, but I know that someday I will run into them. What happens then, only time can really tell. Until then, I will maintain a healthy level of paranoia about dark, enclosed spaces, and try not let the monsters that only exist in my head, get to me.

posted by Pixie at 12:21 PM




Saturday, December 13, 2003


I'm listening to MC Hammer - You Can't Touch This, and it always makes me think of Savanna. I haven't talked to her in so long, it kind of scares me actually. Savanna was my best friend for so long. From my first day of kindergarten, to the end of grade 9. Sure, we had our fights - who doesn't? - but we were always always there for each other. Back in grade four, when my world was falling apart, I stayed with her family for a few days. She was everything to me. And I miss her.

I guess things fell apart after grade 9. She went to St.Joe's, I went to Sal. I mean, we wrote eachother notes all the time, and got together whenever we had the chance, but it wasn't the same. I guess... I was going through a lot then, and she wasn't there living it with me, and it got too hard to explain. Too much became different between us. And gradually, we just let go of our friendship, and let is fade away. Fade to black. I wonder often, if she thinks about me at all anymore. Whether she remembers the years together. All the things that I remember. And I think, maybe I should call her, or send her an email, just to hi maybe. But.. I don't. I shrug it off, and go on with life. I pretend that it doesn't hurt to know that she's gone. I pretend I don't think about the memories. I try to focus on today, not yesterday. But she's always there, in the back of my mind. This girl I promised to be friends with forever.

And it makes me worry, because I'm afraid the same thing is happening with me and Haley. She's so far away now, and I barely ever see her. It's just the same as me and Sanna, and I don't think I could bear to lose Haley too. But how do you stop the past from slipping away from you? How do you hold on to a friend, as you grow drastically apart? And what do you do, when they don't want to save a friendships too? How do you let go? How can you let yourself forget?

Maybe I'm just too sentimental. Maybe I'll send Savanna an email... and then again, maybe I won't.

posted by Pixie at 12:50 PM




Wednesday, December 10, 2003


Attention all Walruses:

Saying that Windows95 is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second coming.
-- Guy Kawasaki

posted by Pixie at 8:24 PM




Tuesday, December 09, 2003


My sister pointed out to me today, that in twenty, or was it twenty-one, days, Oliver will be over. That's it. Last show, curtains close, everyone goes home. Over. Fini.

It made me think about this time last year, when A Wonderful Life was just finishing. That hurt so so much. I cried and cried. I couldn't believe that it was all coming to an end. For the next couple of weeks, every time I thought about the show I felt my eyes tears up. I missed everyone so much. I wrote this, back then...

Well that's the end. The show is over and we've all said our goodbyes. I cried so hard. When I held Kristen, Lexie and Marnie, I could barely control myself from collapsing. I never realized how much they had come to mean to me. And all the others, Taryn, Erin, Diane, Chelsea... they are these amazing people who meant so much to me. When I started the show, I was lost. Looking for somewhere to fit in. People to accept me. And I found it. It was as if they opened their arms and said, "Yes come in. We have this lovely Jeanne sized spot right here." And I felt warm, safe, and loved. For four months I belonged. I had a reason and a purpose. I knew that there were people who cared deeply about me. And now that's all gone. Gone as quickly as it came. And I'm left alone, waiting, hoping it may come back. When I hugged him goodbye he said "We'll see eachother again." I said "probably not." For that is the truth. The truth is that I probably won't see him again. I doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But maybe that's because somewhere deep inside I believe with all my being that I will see again. *sniff* I wish the show had never closed.

So, it got me to thinking about Oliver, and how I really doubt that I'm going to feel this way at the end of all this. I don't get the same feeling from this show that I did from AWL. There I knew every single person by name, and practically had inside jokes with every one of them. I could sit down next to anyone, and feel like a friend was next to me. Rehersals were fun, and joking, and silly, even two weeks before show. And there were the most fascinating conversations in the boot room, and the kitchen when we weren't on. Everyone was dedicated to that show, and really focused. With Oliver, I don't know everyone well - I don't even know everyone's names. The rehersals are impersonal, and loud, and strict. We get yelled at and chastised and sighed at all the time. I don't have people to talk to, for the most part, and I can't stand the director. When this is all over, I'm going to be relieved, and thrilled.

I think the other difference with the feeling, is that there's no love in this show. I mean not /in/ the show, but in the rehersal enviroment. With AWL there was Lexy and Kristin and Marine who were just the most amazing people who I loved dearly. And there was him - but that's a whole other story, and a lot of past history that doesn't need going into. Here, there's Carla. And Diane, but even there she's always hanging out with Brittani, and Alex, and Steph, and Sabrina, and other people who I'm not really friends with.

Wise words from a friend -
Do you do it because you love it, need it, breathe it, know that you could not exist without it? Or, do you do it because you want to be the star? Don't convince yourself that this dream is as superficial, meaningless, and unreachable as all the others. If it has never been about the parts, why do you need to be center stage to feel loved? If a play is a labour of love and everyone contributes equally, why do you care if you aren't the one getting all the thanks? If you can live without it, you don't need it enough. If you think you would have less stress without the arts, you don't need it to breathe.

I love the theater, and I hope that I don't let myself forget that...

posted by Pixie at 9:55 PM




Wednesday, December 03, 2003


"My dearest Maria, You are my eldest daughter. Though I may not have said it aloud, you are very important to me and have always brought me joy. Sometimes concern, but mostly joy. You and I, our whole family, have lived through so much in the past decade. Living as refugees, moving from town to town, surviving the Great World War. You were there as we place Baby Theodore in the Barracks shed, and as your father died in your arms. You helped raise your sisters, Jana and Heike. Yet, you have always kept your courage, your dignity. I felt my heart would break when you moved to Fritzlar to work for Herr Keller. But I also knew that you would have an opportunity for a good life, if you could leave East Germany behind. It is unbelievable to me that you now live across the ocean, that today, you will be married. I wish with all my heart I could be there to hold you, to share your happy day. I wish you only joy always. Mama."


There is probably only one, maybe two people who read my blog who will understand this but... Maria is dying. The doctor's say only a couple more days, a week at most.


"Are you ready?"
"I am. It will be a great adventure..."



Good luck on your adventure Maria. I hope... I hope that it is everything wonderful, and that you get to see Baby Theodore again. Thank you for everything that you taught us, even if you only met us once. You inspire us. You taught us to understand true happiness, and be content with our lives. May angels guide you on this last adventure, as they have on all the others...

***
Update: Maria passed away the evening of December 3rd, 2003. Her daughter, Marion, was with her, singing to her. She told us that the look of her mother's face was one of peace, and happiness. Wherever Maria is now, I know that she is happy, and it is that knowledge that lets me let her go. I only got the chance to meet her once, in person, but I knew her. Lord, I knew her. I knew her story. I knew her life. I was there. I was part of it - even if it was many years later. I thank you one last time Maria, for your strength, your courage, your hope, and your love. We spent many months with you in our hearts, and you changed them. You taught them to live each day with contentment, and to trust God. You taught them to trust our hearts, and take chances. You showed us real life, in it's most basic form. You and Walther, changed us all, whether we realized it at the time or not. Farewell Maria.

posted by Pixie at 3:20 PM




Tuesday, December 02, 2003


"I would like to point out that this is in no way my fault, except for the fact that I gave birth to you."

My mother, to me. Oh, but I blame you mum.....

posted by Pixie at 3:38 PM




Monday, December 01, 2003


I really dislike long weekends. I sit around, doing nothing productive, except going to rehersals of course, which only serves to further frustrate me. All my friends are doing interesting things, or are away, and the ones who I don't know what are up to, I don't bother to call. Instead, I sit around feeling immensly depressed, watching movies 'till late at night, wishing life had a point. Wishing I had someone to be with always. Wishing I wasn't so alone.

And come Tuesday, I'll get to hear all about everyone's fabulous weekends. Dates, parties, trips, sleepovers... you know, good stuff. And me, I will have nothing to contribute except "Hmmm, have you watched ? It's quite good," and "I had rehersal, and they changed the choreography approximately every 5 minutes until I was ready to kill someone." Oh, and "By the way, my knees still hurt. Not that you cared, I just thought I would share that with you."

Blah blah blah blah blah blah!

posted by Pixie at 1:10 AM