I've started a monument today. The going is slow, as it is with these types of things, as I do not currently have the resources needed at my disposal. But the first page, and two others are done, for which I am very proud. *happy sigh* It continues to amaze me, the comfort that the square screen of a computer, and coding can provide.

Concrete Angels

You know those movies or shows where you see the person sit upright in bed and scream because of a bad dream? Well, that's never happened to me before. I mean, I'll wake up from nightmares, and then sit up. But never have I awoken in a cold sweat, shaking and crying, bolted upright in my bed and started screaming.

But they say there's a first time for everything.

That was the way I was blessed with waking up this morning. I've never been so incredibly upset by a dream, or scared by one. I coudn't even turn off the light to go back to sleep. And the only thing I could hear in my head was my dad's voice over and over, "For god's sake get her down from there." Actually I suppose that's not true... I could hear my sister screaming her friend's name over and over, willing it not to be true. I could hear my own tears, my own denials. When I woke up, those tears were real, my throat ached for her, and the world seemed alien and lonely. I've been having the strangest serial dreaming of late, and so I'm afraid to go back to sleep now. I don't want to hear that again. I don't want to feel that way again.

For anyone who is worried, no nobody died. At least, not in real life.....

Welcome to Hell
population: you and your fucking fiberglass cast

-------------------------------------------------------------

Coming Soon on Colour Me Confused
More ranting about fucking fiberglass casts, and the idiotic medical professionals (no offense intended Raven)

It's funny, you can see someone you haven't seen in months, someone you were sure you were completely over years and years ago, and have your heart flip, get butterflies in your stomach, and find yourself hoping that you aren't turning red. It's strange. It was over two years ago, or was it three? I guess it's not that important. The point is it was over a long time ago. A long time ago I knew it was never going to work out, we just didn't fit together properly. I was the uber drama queen, always with something to say, and he was the ever silent jock. I mean, come on, it was doomed from the start. And yet... and yet I still find myself wondering if it could have worked. They say opposites attract... maybe they're right. But attraction and compatibility aren't the same thing. But it makes one wonder.... really really wonder. *sigh*

I find some quizzes just too terribly amusing... (that and I really really like the picture on this one.)

You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Starry, starry night
Paint your pallet blue and grey
Look out on a summers day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy lined land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free

They would not listen
They do not know how

Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blazed
Swirling clouds and violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue

Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grey
Whethered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artists' loving hand

Now I understand
What you tired to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free

They would not listen
They did not know how

Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when your hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do

But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn
A bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free

They were not listening
They're not listening still

Perhaps they never will
(Vincent - Josh Groban)

The world keeps making me want to cry, of late, and I hate that. Because the more I want to cry, the more I feel the need to blog - but the more I feel the need to blog, the less I blog here, because I risk hurting people I care about. And while I am, in fact, a bitch, that doesn't mean that there aren't people who I wouldn't hurt.... Or at least not intentionally... Or occasionally intentionally, but not because I really want to.

I've discussed this time and time again but it appears to be a topic that keeps resurfacing in my life - "Pain is my gift" - and I think that's just the tiniest bit unfair. Other people get nice gifts - talent, beauty, laughter, kindness, melty eyes, nice ass.... but me, I get pain. Blah. I'm just tired of knowing that I hurt the people around me, and wanting to pull away because of that, but knowing that that then causes more pain. It's a stupid stupid vicious circle.

But I am tired and should go to bed. My foot is exceptionally sore today, which is driving me nuts, but I blame standing around for eons and eons at registration today. On the plus side, I have a perfect schedule, a locker, an id card, have had my pictures taken, and have paid my fees now. Yay. *note sarcasm* Oh, and Haley... guess who's locker I got?

Oh, and also a side note to James (Shades) - Whee, thank you for letting me borrow B5. It was a goodly, sitting around feeling sorry for myself activity. *hugs*

Night all.....

Mwahahahaha


Your Captain Jack Sparrow
You're not always clear when you say something, but
you are trustworthy.


-x-What charater from Pirates of the Carribbean are you?(with pictures)-x-
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm home! Yay. No more icky Cowtown for me. Life occasionally is good.

I had the strangest dream last night. Like, it could have rivaled my drug induced dreams. Woah. If you want to hear all about it, ask me in person - there's no way I'm going to even try to type this up online. Too complicated. Let's just say I woke up feeling very surreal, with the words "Infinite and Inevitable" running through my brain. So strange.

Oh, and I realized that I had forgotten Anna on my links, so she is now there. Yay.

Okay, going to call people now. Wheee, I'm home.

----------

Edited to add: I would just like to note officially that I have now been operating this blog for over one year, having started it on August 19th of 2002. Wow. A whole year. That's a lot of posts, and a lot of thoughts, and a lot of changes. One year. Cool.

Wow, thank you to all my wonderfully fabulous friends who sent get better comments. I love you all. And now, responses for each of you (because I'm too lazy to send seperate emails to each of you, mwahahaha)....

Nolan - Yeah, I really do have crummy luck somedays. 'Twas amusing when I called my boss to tell her I wouldn't be able to work for a little while, that was her reaction too. She made me promise not to break any more body parts before this got better. I mean honestly, could I /be/ any more of a klutz? *sigh* Must learn to be more careful. Miss you....

Raven - I actually have a strange air cast thing. It's kind of nice though because it means that I can take it off to shower and to sleep. Yay for not having to go six weeks without a proper shower *grin* I don't understand how people can possibly do that. Thanks for the healthy nurse-like thoughts. I'm sure they will help. Miss you...

Peanutbutter - Coke and KD? Are you on crack? I mean I approve of the Coke, but blah, why would you mix it with KD? Ick ick ick. I think I'll just stick to the liquids. But I mean, other than that, definately sounds like a plan. I can't wait to see your new place, and have bus adventures, and etc and etc. That and we need to figure out how close you actually are to Star and Eric's. Walking distance, or busing... that is the question. Tee, remind me to tell you all about Shakespere in the Park when I get home... Oh the fun and joy of it all. Miss you...

Janice - *snugs* back at you. Thanks. Give Seth a kiss for me... or just tickle him, that works too. Miss you...

Lazarus - Man talking about beating a tiny little mistake to death. Just wait, someday you're going to slip up, and I'm going to be right there to mock you about for days and days afterwards. Just wait, someday when you least expect it. I'll be there, in the shadows, waiting.... okay creepy, now I sound like a stalker. How bout we just pretend I never said all that and leave it at, miss you...

Eir - Random acts of tickling, and bells to keep the fairys away. Ahem, I mean, I'll just be over here, coughing. See this is me coughing, just your normal everyday sort of cough. Ahem ahem. Duck duck... Sanford! Miss you...

There notes for all, and an "amusing" anecdote for all of you... My grandparents and parents were making jokes of taking pictures of the cast and then making me an album to put pictures of all my injuries in. I was less than amused to say the very least.

I come home on Friday. Yay. But I will miss San and Eir *tears* Thank god for MSN and Greyhoud buses ;)

I broke my foot, and sprained my ankle. Now I have a stupidly large cast on my right leg.

That'll teach me to dance without shoes every again.

More info on the Con when I'm in less pain....

An interesting note of little importance:

When one types "Colour Me Confused" into a Google search engine, this site is the very first thing to come up.

Following in this vein, I typed in "Between the Darkness and the Light." Alas Bev, you were not the first thing that came up. But wow are there a lot of sites including the Babylon 5 episode by that name. I found it amusing being that, only yesterday, I was talking to Shades about B5. Ah, B5, how I miss thee....

I spent a lot of time last night, and part of today, working on Bev's site. It's so pretty now *grin* I realize though that I did not, in fact, have her site on my links list. Thusly, I have added it. I also added four other people I had forgotten (or who had made sites since I last updated the links...) Shades', Kathleen and Laurel's, Jessamabob's, Eir's, and Sanford's. Eir and Bev, I had to slightly change the titles of your links so that they would fit on one line. That is all.

I leave for Calgary on Friday for anybody who cares. I will be back the Friday following that.

Edited to add - all my links have alt tags now. Mwahahaha!

Be amused, I was....

Star: "You're from... a little island between Australia and Canada."
Eric: *pause* "It's called Africa."
--Nobilis re:Mitch

((The following paragraphs are excerpts from a slight-longer-than-two-pages 'thing' I wrote last night. It covered about a million different topics, but these are just some of the little bits. If you freak out about any of them, don't tell me or I will banish you from reading my blog. Actually, tell in some private way - aka private guestbook entry or email or etc - otherwise I will banish you from reading my blog. And I can do that. Really I can.))
***
I know that it can be difficult for people to understand why I do what I do. I don’t blame them, honestly it’s difficult for me to understand sometimes too. I guess you could call it a coping mechanism, but it doesn’t really feel that way to me. I mean when it comes to a choice of being happier, if a bit less healthy, or depressed and more healthy, I will choose happier every day.

Don’t tell me about the health risks.
Don’t tell me how stupid you think it is.
Don’t tell me I’m skinny enough, fit enough, or pretty enough.
Don’t tell me there are better ways to lose weight.
Don’t tell me you’ll tell an adult if I keep doing this.
Don’t tell me that a psychologist would help.

Just tell me you’ll love me anyway. That’s all I want to hear.
***
I had this realization today. It was very strange, but explained a lot. I figured out why I’m not a relationship kind of girl. It has to do with being a chameleon. The social chameleon I mean. I have this discussion with various people about how I manage to pull off any number of images. I can fit into any group that I would like to. And it’s not a faking thing… just who I am. And so I realized, that one of the reasons I can’t do relationships, is because the girl they think they’re in love with, is not necessarily who I’ll be in a few months. You can never predict who I’m going to be… and I like it that way. But others like it less. They like to know who it is they are friends with, and love, and know that that is who I’m always going to be. But that’s never going to happen. I will always change. And people can’t always change with me.
***
I suppose I ought to stop writing now. Even if I could keep typing for hours and hours, sometimes it’s best to stop before one brings up things that one doesn’t want to think about. I feel a lot better now. It’s funny how much better a couple of realizations will make you feel. So I may ((edited)), whatever, that’s my choice. So I’m never going to have a serious relationship, whatever, they’re highly overrated anyways. I mean, honestly, think about how often I listen to my couple friends fight. My way’s easier.

But more importantly, it’s my way. Not my parent’s way. Not my friend’s way. Not a psychologist’s way. My way. My choices. My thoughts….

“A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot…”
(Concrete Angel – Martina McBride)
***

Eric just threw a ball of packing tape into a melting chocolate cake.

Trust me when I say, it makes more sense if you're me...or Star, or Davyd, or James, or Gorra, or Steph, or Myrna, or Eric...

Cam, you left much too early.

Somedays like bad dreams encircle me
I run but I can’t break away

I rented Daredevil tonight with the hopes of enjoying it while folding 200 pamphlets for my mother. I found myself less than intrigued, and decided to finish it later, and am on my way to bed now. But, as I was brushing my teeth, taking out my contacts, etc, it struck me why I was finding this type of movie so much less appealing of late...

Role-playing

And why? Because the Gods that I have had in my games have always been so amazing. They come up with these fabulous plot lines, and tie characters together realistically. They include people, for the most part, and leave you wanting more. Even after the worst of games, there's this feeling that one wants to continue - to find out more about the characters' lives. Its not quite as bad for as I have all my characters neatly living in my head. Or maybe it's worse, I don't know. Anyways, it struck me that after being involved in such events, movies, even decent ones, just wouldn't cut it anymore.

That's not to say that I won't watch movies anymore, I'll just be more abundant with my sarcastic commentaries...

I guess there is a plus side to this as well.

So today was less than particularily evil. I got called into work 1/2hour early, with the promise of being allowed to go home 1/2hour early. Whatever, I was already up, just reading forums and answering emails, so it wasn't a big deal. Off I went. They ended up sending one of the other girls home so I got to be a kitchen monkey all day, instead of a coffee girl. Oh well, it was actually kind of fun. And I got to leave with kitchen people at 5:30, as opposed to 7:00 when I was suppose to leave. Yay.

Got home, showered, etc. Blah blah, emails, forums, decided to take my sister to a movie. Due to an error in the ability to read movie listings, ended up not going to see the movie we wanted to (Freaky Friday) and went to see Pirates of the Carribean (again for me, first time for Colette.) She loved it, I loved it. It was all good. Went to Tim Hortons and then came home. More emails, more forums, listened to music, did laundry, contemplated the meaning of life.

Realized my blog has of late been very boring, loatned myself for it. Decided to post lyrics, go throw laundry in dryer and then go to bed. Blah.

I used to think I knew
Everything I needed to
I know how crazy it sounds
Thank God he led me 'round

To where I took a mighty step
And left all I was sure of
Walked off a ledge sight unseen
With no idea of where it was leading

And now I'm Free Falling.....
Oh I'm filled with the sound
Of where it is that I am bound

And I'm trying
I've never looked behind
Since I've learned to fly

I took my step faithfully
I took it like I knew
Exactly where I was going
But it is surely new for me

And here I am in panic
Here I am awash at sea
Asking God to help me through
The very thing I needed to do

It's a Free Falling......I know
I have my lessons too
And I have my bridges to burn
And I have my roads I must leave behind..........I'll try

I used to think I knew
Everything I needed to...

PS: Got a new ring. Silver. Very pretty. My mother has good taste sometimes. Wierd... that's twice this summer now. The world as I know it is coming to a screeching, crashing, halt. Going now... really... see, I'm off... going... going... gone.

PPS: Not quite gone yet. Raven, I /loved/ the book you got me. It was absolutely amazing! I can't wait to see if I can find more books by these authors. Thank you so so much. I love you forever. :) Not like I didn't already. Okay, really going now.

PPPS: Honestly...

Tee, I found this amusing....
I am Spaceman Spiff!
Zounds! You are the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, the engaging explorer ensconsed in an unending universe of exotic and evil extraterrestrials! You're brave, but you should give that dictionary a rest.

Which Calvin are YOU?

Day one of the crazy hell-ish work week down. 4 more to go. Blah, should go sleep now.

Oooh, but first - today has been a day of prettys. First, I wrote pretty Fade posts about Rea getting out of quarantine, that made me very happy. And then Anna wrote /me/ really pretty Fade posts. And in case I have ever forgotten to mention it, Anna is an uber cool person. We love her very much. Umm... oh and there were lots of Tempest posts. Yay.

Oh, and this didn't actually happen today but it's my blog so I decide that I can write about it anyway. Eric is amazingly wonderful for finding that Barlow song for Star and I. Wow. It's so beautiful. Makes me cry. Those of you who know me well, will understand why. And without further ado, the lyrics, and then I'm off to bed....

Christine's depression never seeems to end
Cause she'll never be as skinny
As the girls on ''Friends''
She's got fat hips and thin lips, she's jealous of a Q-Tip
She'll take stupid over fat
She stuck her fingers down her throat for the very last time today.
And she walked away.

Malcom's got his image: his rock and his glock
And if he lives to see 20, he will beat the clock
He's got his ride and he's fried and girls by his side
He makes a stand with his gun in his hand
He saw his best friend lying on a stainless steel tray.
And he walked away.

And the destination's clear: anywhere but here.

Doesn’t matter that you’re lying in the gutter
It doesn’t matter that your brain’s all cluttered
It doesn’t matter that you’re covered in scars
You’re never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

So walk away from the boyfriend who bruises
And the shame of the game that your brain knows you're losing
And that job that you do that just robs you of who
You can be when you're free of this mentality.
So you're home by the phone getting stoned all alone
With your chat room friends, your Korn and Ramones
But the phone don't ring and Joey just sings sedated
You gotta learn to hate it.

Doesn’t matter that you’re lying in the gutter
It doesn’t matter that your brain’s all cluttered
It doesn’t matter that you’re covered in scars
You’re never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

((Okay there was a little ado, but I blame having to fix punctuation and spelling...))