I have obviously been typing too much today. The whole left side on my left forearm hurts *sigh* Yeah, it's good to be a geek. Notes for people:

Raven- No the house wasn't on fire, this is a good thing. Give me a shout when you are back from Quad War. Hope you had fun!

Starlin- Miss you! I wrote this really long email today... and then the computer froze and I didn't have the energy to write it again. Sorry. Maybe tommorow.

Lazarus- Thank you thank you thank you. Clean dishes good....

Haley- Go, pick up the phone. Dial the number. Talk to me... Oh and good job with Mitten Sisters. Love you. Hate Blogger.

Night all!

In other news, the dishwasher broke this morning. And when I say broke, I mean the upper shelf is no longer in the dishwasher, and the tracks are no longer attached to it. Broke broke broke.

Ummm, help?

An Amusing Story - as told by your resident Pixie

So, I had just gotten out the shower and was in the bathroom upstairs doing my hair for Fade. Now before you start freaking out that I'm getting ready this early for Fade, the hair has to be put up while it's still wet or the bun won't hold properly. Anyway, I was in the middle of pinning my bun when I heard the most horrible sound. A sort of scrapping sound like the side of the house was falling apart. A little worried, I went over to the window to see what was going on. Outside was a large tree with gangly branches. I assumed that it was the branches scrapping against the side of the house, decided to ignore it, and headed back to the bathroom. The noise continued, and believe me, it was pretty terrible. As I was putting the noose around the bun, I decided this was just sounding bad, and went for another look. Still seeing nothing over than the tree I decided to find another window to look out. The next window I looked out provided a new outlook, including the ability to see the two men on the roof next door ripping off shingles.

Hmm, guess it wasn't a tree afterall...

*yawn* Good morning world. So for those of you who have either missed me talking about it, and don't read Raven's weblog, I am at Star and Eric's this week, sitting on the Cassandra bug. Raven asked me to post Cassandra updates (as she had been doing) while I have her and I didn't get around to it yesterday, so I'm posting yesterday's report today.

The Cassandra Report (Friday)
'Sanna is pretty grumpy today, but I figure that's because she misses having lots of people around. That or she's just whiny, *shrug* could honestly be either. Whatever it is, she's been very very vocal. Bedtime was a bit of a chore seeing as her sleeping dog was still at Raven's, but Dan is bringing it over tommorow, so hopefully bedtime will be a bit better. Other than that not much interesting has happened. She's being cute, but what else is new? *grin*

In the tradition of the Mitten Sisters:

A list of things I am happy for:


1) Yay for getting into Oliver! (see previous post)
2) Yay for getting a raise at work
3) Yay for my new bookshelf
4) Yay for getting good tickets for Miss Saigon - Front row, first balcony
5) Yay for my Great-Aunt Sonia and her partner, Peter, visiting from England
6) Yay for finally having a dress to wear to grad (on Thursday the 26th)
7) Yay for terribly amusing sex talk at work with Jenna (who, coincidentely, is the one who lent me the sexy black dress for grad)
and 8) Yay for picking up an extra shift at work (to pay for said Miss Saigon tickets)

A list of things I am not happy for:


1) Boo for customers who harass my coworkers
2) Boo for finishing The Hacker Ethic
3) Boo for running into things at work, and burning myself, a lot
4) Boo for not being able to act for Lazarus on Friday night
5) Boo for not getting to see Mariah and Courtney now that they are back from St.Vincent after their 8 month term of service
6) Boo for not being able to get together with James tommorow since we have family visiting
7) Boo for not having enough books to fill up my new shelf
and 8) Boo for missing people - many people

I GOT IN!!!!


Oh I'm so excited and so happy!! I got into Oliver! Yay!!! Eeeeee, I feel like floating on air. I mean, yes I wish I had gotten a bigger part (I got chorus) but I'm still thrilled that I got in. Even though I'm a little worried about the director... I'm still happy.


*bounce bounce bounce*


Hehe, I feel like Kiki.

I just finished Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
I would really like to write about it but
a) I don't want to spoil it for anyone, and
b) I can't find the words.
I feel so strange.
The girls are being silent.

As soon as someone finishes the book, give me a shout and we'll talk.

Everything seems so empty...

You're searching, beautiful freak
I wish there were more just like you
You're not like all of the others
And that is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
That is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
Some people think you have a problem
But that problem lies only with them
Just cause you are not like the others
But that is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
That is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
To go far in this world
But I hope you will stay
And I'll be here to see that you don't fade away
You're searching beautiful freak
I bet you're flying inside
Duck down, and then go for cover
And know that I, I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
You know that I, I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak

I think this song was written for me. I don't know who or why or anything like that, just that it reaches inside and touches something, My dad got me a button today that says, "Who says I want to fit in?" I thought it went well with my "Wierd - Saving up to be eccentric." Hmm, hope I can go to Con-Version this year. Oh well, going to bed now. Night cyberspace. Thank you for listening, as always.

I am cold.

I'm betting this has something to do with the open window in front of me. You would think I would hen close the window, but I'm apparently not that smart. Actually I just really like the smell and the feel of the air from outside, so I am willing to deal with a little bit of being cold.

So Raven made the most amusing comment to me on Wednesday, "You really can't do androgynous in that shirt." Made me laugh anyway. I suppose she was right, but that's so not the point ;)

Grrr, I feel like blogging but cannot come up with anything worthwhile to talk about. I wish I was at Cara's. Blah. Guess I'll go read. Grrr, stupid boredom.

Edited to add: I ran my lighter through the washing machine... Going to make Chai now.

There is so much tonight that I wish I could talk about, but I find myself censoring my thoughts so as not to hurt the people around me. Some of you reading this will understand without me having to say, what I am talking about. Others will not. For those of you that do, I'm so so sorry. For those of you who don't, I'm sorry, but for entirely different reasons.

I was always intrigued by the quote from Buffy, "Death is your gift." The implications were endless. I think pain is my gift. It seems to me that no matter what I do, or where I go, I manage to hurt the people around me. Without even trying sometimes. Everything from physically hurting people, to scaring people, to breaking hearts. I don't mean to. And I'm sorry.

I seem to be saying that a lot lately. But I've run out of other words to explain my world. All I can do now is apologize for my madness, and hope that you'll understand, and be able to forgive me. I don't want to hurt people anymore; to push them away. I want to be safe and happy with my friends. Loved and loving. Not the source of pain. It's just too much.

It's all too much.

One of my friends was the victim of a hate crime. This has left me feeling vaguely hollow on the inside. How is it that in a world this advanced, and this civilized, actions like this are allowed to happen? I wish it had been me, so I could do something. I feel so powerless to affect change. They threatened him, tried to hurt him, and then egged his house, all because of he would rather have a boyfriend than a girlfriend. Why does this bother people? It's not a big deal. Can't people see that? I wish there were a way for me to change people's views. Show them why they're wrong. He's my friend and all I can do it sit here, and watch it happen.

I don't want to live in this world anymore.

Another amusing Cara moment at work. We were discussing the cat conversation from our last shift, and I mentioned my mother's comment about not being able to have hedgehogs in one's head as they are spiky and would hurt your brain. Cara suggested that we therefor keep our hedgehogs in our feet. My response was, "Maybe when we get pins and needles, it's not really pins and needles, but..." and at the same time we both burst out laughing, "Hedgehogs!" Yes, it is official, Cara and I have hedgehogs in our feet. Just thought you might want to know.

PS: Beware the gnomes....

I had to laugh today. I was reading through my imood history, and came upon 'confuzzled.' What I had written for that was "Oct 24, 2002 at 01:11 am - So many choices... what to do... who to do.... I can't believe they actually have the word confuzzled on here." Somehow this struck me as terribly amusing. I wonder if it struck me as terribly amusing then... hmm...

I think I get to work with Cara tonight. That would make me happy. Work is just so much more bearable when she's around. That, and I get to go home at 9:00, instead of 10:30. Whee! Somedays the world is good.

I give up.

Tell me the answer.

Have you ever listened to the radio and felt that every song was calling out to you? Like every song, every word related to you? I have, lots of times. But I guess that's the point of music. To reach out to you. To let you feel connected. Maybe it's partially to let you know that you aren't alone, in whatever it is. It's just fuel for the human race - and I don't mean mankind. I mean the race, of living and dying, of loving and losing, of everything and nothing. And maybe that doesn't make sense. But maybe that's the point.
--written in a moment of inspired boredom at Second Cup

By the way, there's a comment button now. Feel free to use it or not, as you feel is necessary.

Perfect moments.

They do happen. Every once in a while. And every once in a while I'm actually happy to be alive. I know what being alive feels like. It feels like rain pelting down, hearing thunder, watching lightning, being drenched to the core, in the arms of an amazing friend. Alive is just feeling completely connected to the world. You know?

My inner cat won't tell me her name. Another shadow voice in my head. This is making me grumpy - I want to know who she is. I don't mind the voices that I know who are, it's the shadows, the nameless ones that I don't like.

I got called jailbait today. Beautiful jailbait nonetheless. I've decided to take it as a compliment. I also got refered to as a 'hot girl' today. Hmm, seems to be my day, huh?

I feel very alive right now. Awake and conscious. Wanting to be productive. Wanting to be.

Magic is real. Has anyone ever mentioned that to you? And no I'm not on drugs. I just... can feel it. I wish I knew how to reach out, hold it, make it part of me. So maybe not Awake, maybe just Aware.

Maybe just very tired, and letting Adi do most of the typing.

Maybe just...

*Sigh*

That is how I am feeling right now. It is not how I /want/ to be feeling, but it is. I don't particularily know why either. I had really long talks with Angel yesterday (the same subject I was talking to Cara about) that was good, and hung out with cool people at BPs, and got a cool offer from Breagon, and had good talk with Eric. But still.... I don't know.

On the plus side, I went out for dinner with Josh, Angel and Mike and it was wonderful and tasty and romantic and cool. It was so nice to go out with friends for something ... Oh I don't know what I'm even trying to say. I have this whole bunch of thoughts rushing around, and emotions swirling, and Adi keeps trying to have conversations with me. I love talking to her but it occasionally seems ... off. At least it's only her, and not all four of them today. They get to be so much sometimes. They make my head hurt.

They broke my brain yesterday.Both Jeanne's brain, and Adi's brain. Poor kid. She is so wrecked right now. It's tough to be her somedays. I wish I could help her, I really do, but I can only have so many conversations with her to try. She has this... fear and doubt and pain all built up inside and is trying desperately to deal with the fact that her life is not a complete waste. And I don't know how to convince her that she is an amazing person with a brilliant future and the chance to have a long, happy, loving life.

But maybe that has something to do with the fact that she lives in my head...

"I'm a poster girl with no poster."

Eight days... ish.

Edited to add: Found the words to describe how I'm feeling - shattered glass slipper.

So I had a talk with Cara at work tonight about something that's been weighing pretty heavily on my mind lately. It was good to talk to someone about it, who might understand. But I'm not sure she really got it. It's wierd how topics like that are so difficult to discuss with even your closest friends. *sigh* People should just learn how to communicate better.

In other news:
-I offically hate blender drinks. Hate hate hate!!!
-Tiamo is a cool word.
-We now have enough chocolate syrup mix at work to, literally, sink a ship.
-The people who decide what size shirts to sent to their Second Cup employees, should freaking ask us what sizes we want. I mean how hard is it to send more than two small shirts to a company who's staff consists entirely of small, high school girls? I do not understand management... And now I have to wear a shirt that looks like a dress. But it's blue, so that's a plus.
-Nine days...

They said it'll be a week and half until we hear back from them. A week and a half. Not that long honestly, but still... waiting is hard. I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be, but I still am nervous. I really want a part in this show. And not just chorus. A part with lines, even if it's only a few. *sigh* A week and a half, that's 10 days and counting....

*rolls on the floor laughing*

Look! It's me! In a picture.

I'd just like to mention that I am especially proud of myself for not only getting my scanner working, scanning my pictures in, but I got the pictures up online, both here and on The Life of the Mitten Sisters.

Go me!

I hate this keyboard!!! Hate hate hate!!

Just thought the world should know :)

Memo to self: Clean Star and Eric's stove more often.

I did something today, that I never thought I could do, and I think I owe it to a young woman by the name of Leah Trueblood, and my friend Bobby. I reached out to someone, who I didn't really know. I told her I knew what she were going through, because I had gone through, and was going through, and probably will go through for a long time, the same thing, and told her if she ever wanted to talk, here was my number. I hope it helped. I don't really know if she'll ever call, or talk to me about it, or anything, but just the knowledge can be enough sometimes. Knowing that, for some reason you don't understand, somebody cares about your well-being, is a bit of an amazing feeling.

Like Leah. I was sort of shocked to receive that email from her. "Dear Esteemed Artstrek Person I do not know." What a strangely wonderful way to start a letter. I've never met this girl, I have no idea who she is, other than a friend of Bobby's, and yet she wanted to help me. "Fear not, Bobby has not violated your confindence, he simply said that life was giving an Arstreak friend of his from Sheerwood Park a hard time of it. As a very wise person told me, life really sucks. I have no idea what has happend to you, but if you ever need anything I would be delighted to help you. It is my understanding that your welfare is very important to Bobby, and if you ever need anything I'm not nearly as evil as Bobby makes me out to be." It left this really neat warm, content feeling in my chest. A feeling I don't get a lot anymore. It made me feel a bit better about the world in general. Like maybe if there are people like Leah Trueblood left, then maybe the world isn't doomed. Maybe it has a chance at redemption. Maybe I'm on crack. Either way, it was good of her. And it made me smile, and look at my water bottle and see it as half-full.

There are times when I look at the earth, and I just don't want to live on it anymore. It's too terrible. I watched a movie for social today. Breaker Morant. It was about the court martial of three soldiers during the Boer War. At the end, two of the soldiers were sentanced to execution. Just as dawn was breaking, and the world was in that moment of absolute beauty that comes as the sun rises, they marched these men out into a field, and sat them down, on dining room table chairs, and then shot them. It made me sick to my stomach. The blast was enough to make them fly backwards off those chairs, and ripped their chests open. It's knowing that stuff like that happened, happens and will always happen, that makes me want to give up. How can I live in a world like that? I feel sick just thinking about it.

The same thing happened last social movie. I was in tears, and wanted to throw up it was so terrible. The Mission. It was about the missions in South America. One of them, they tried to fight back when tey were under threat of being shut down. They were all killed. Every one. The women and the children, and the men. They burned the village to the ground. And the people just prayed. Just sat there and prayed, as the soldiers killed them, or took them for slave labour. How? How does this happen? How do we let this happen?

What's wrong with our world?

Accomplishments of the day:
-Found someone to take my shift at work!!! Now can go to Tempest. The world is a better place already
-Got my scanner working. Many pictures on my computer now. Wheee!
-Wrote my French exam and my Trig exam... both went well, I think
-Got an extension on my World Lit essay. Less panicked.
-Comforted a friend. That's right, we're /friends/ now.
-Smiled... and meant it.

The world is so unfair sometimes. Three months I've been waiting for this. Three months I've been planning my character, my costume, my ideas. Three months I've been wanting to stick around, because I was so looking forward to this. Three fucking months.

For nothing. So I could go to work. Fuck them all.

Wow, this week has been my week for finding pretty things. Take a few minutes to check this out. I was so impressed.

http://www.viasoul.com/bahai/raceUnity/raceunity.htm

In regards to Nobilis, is very pretty, and wow. Needs to be shared with the world:

Twisting the eye, light whorled about the singularity of Lord Entropy's soul. The Earth lay at his left hand, and with his right, he held aloft the decaying aegis that nurtured it. A Pale Rider, the Flower of Hope crushed beneath the ebony hooves, spilled a torrent of annihilation from its hand, sowing emptiness and reaping woe. In the moment, in the face of the Enemy, Lord Entropy saw beyond War and Wall, and glimpsed a shard of the shattered intentions of Cneph.

Later, after the foe was repulsed and the losses stacked against tomorrow, he called his minions and gave to them the Windflower Law. Few were his words then, few since, and few are the reasons he gives for his Tyranny. But in his own breast he kept what he had seen, and would bear to the death of the last mote of dust. For beyond the ends of Reality, in a place sucked dry of light, he had seen the words of the Creator written upon the corpses of fallen stars.

"and the Earth shall be saved, after all is thought lost, by Forbidden Love"