For the record: Katie you suck. And not even in a good way. Stupid you and your stupid "I wish you would eat" comment. It got stuck in my head, and the truth is, I actually don't want to hurt my friends, so I did. And now I feel sick, and gross, and horrible. And you suck. I should have stuck with the water.

Laura and Katie came over tonight. It was fun. It's been a long time since I've hung out with anyone from that crowd. And, even though at points I felt like a bit of a third wheel, I really enjoyed myself. I guess I hadn't admitted it to myself, but I missed them. And it was also one of the first times I've hung out with /them/ and been okay with it. I mean, since Greece I've been able to accept them as something serious, but it's still been hard. After all, they were my two best friends, and I felt very... forgotten. I felt a lot of things honestly. Forgotten, alone, jealous, bitter, envious, stupid... So many memories. It's hard to let go of friends. But relationships change things, no matter what you say. It has too, it's just the way of the world. I'm really happy for them though. They go so well together, and make eachother so happy. They're both saner, contenter, and healthier. It's good for them.

Should it bother me that I haven't gotten healthier because of my relationship? I mean, honestly if anything, I've probably gotten worse. Should that wierd me out? I don't think so... but I don't really know. A month and half now. I'm so afriad I'm going to ruin things... on purpose. I feel like I should be ending it, and that it wouldn't be hard to. But I know it would be. I care so much about him. I feel safe when he's around, and special. Like despite the insanity, he still loves me. And that means a lot to me. Because there haven't been a lot of people in my life who have been able to totally accept me, and love me, despite the insanity. Despite the depression, and despite all the stupid things I do. He doesn't judge me, or condemn me. He doesn't try to change me. And yet, I could end it. I could. And that scares me.

I'm also scared by the fact that I think I'm losing my best friends. And I realize that this is mostly my fault, and done mostly on purpose, and I guess it doesn't scare me persay, as it bothers me. It shouldn't be that easy to cut ties. But it is. It's so simple to push them away, to let them go. Nobody notices. But I do. Always watching, never speaking. Shadows. Memories.

This was going to a happy post, about how great I think Laura and Katie are together, and how much fun I had with them, so let me conclude with, Laura, Katie, thank you. You two are wonderful people and deserve only the best life has to offer you. You're so lucky to have eachother, and I hope someday I get to be as happy as you two. Thank you for supporting me, and for being my friends. For caring. May the faeries always bless you with hope, and faith, and love.

There are days when I absolutely despise living on an acreage. Today would be one of them. Mostly because we've run out of water, so I can't go take a shower. And I really want a shower. I'm covered in coffee, I smell like coffee, there's freaking coffee in my hair... I want a shower!! I hate this place. Hate hate hate!!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Something that was written by a friend of mine. Something that I believe is a better way of looking at problems and society as a whole. Something that I think I could learn from. And maybe you can too.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Father David Graham to the 2002 annual International Social Aid Workers Conference."

*polite applause*

Good afternoon. It is an incredible honor to be asked to address this conference - I can remember many years of sitting out there, on those horrible chairs *laughter*, looking for the insights other people have brought from their work, so that I could take them back and perhaps make that crucial difference in just one more life.

Those of us working with inner city kids know that we have two big stumbling blocks to making a difference: They have to want to change before we can even start, and when we do manage to get them climbing up, 9 times out of ten they slide back down. Our keynote speaker today, Dr. Tokawa, has written several excellent books on the first problem, and I look forward to sitting out there tonight and taking notes. I would like to share with you some of the ways I have found to help deal with the second problem, and discuss some of the philosophy behind my methods.

Life is about choices, and common wisdom holds that some of them are harder than others. I've always disliked that concept, but was unable to find a good way to articulate my problem with it, until a few years ago when a friend of mine who works at AADAC was speaking to a group of alcoholics. He told them 'you have to choose to quit drinking - and you have to make that choice every time you want one.' Since that time, I've been using a lot of the AADAC material in my general work - leaving aside for a moment that inner city work has to deal with a lot of substance abuse - it has been a key insight for me to realize that its the same behaviour patterns that are affecting some of these kids, and in many cases I've been able to stop or slow the slide by treating the street like an addiction. A lot of these kids want a job, or a good pad, or an education, but never try, because there is just too much that needs to change, so they change nothing.

Part of the problem is convincing these kids that the choice *IS* their own, and making them believe that. As a priest, I spend half of my time breaking down the barriers that these kids have set up, because of what they think I'll say or do, or what they've been told I'll require. I'll let you in on a little secret, if you promise not to tell the Bishop. *scattered laughter* I don't care if these kids go to church, as long as they get off the street. In fact, I'll go a step further - and this probably will get me in trouble - I don't care if these kids get off the street, as long as they know they can.

I try and teach them that the big things are just little things, all strung together. Getting a job isn't a matter of deciding "I want a job" - it's deciding to make a resume, and deciding to shower and shave, and drop it off in person. Deciding to get up in the morning. Deciding to accept something resembling authority. And each of these isn't just one step, they're all little steps strung together. Just like an alcoholic gets up in the morning and decides to drink juice or coffee instead of whiskey, or go straight home instead of straight to the bar. Little things, that are just like the little things that put them in the hole in the first place. None of these kids woke up and decided "I want to be a junkie living on the street" - but a string of littler choices all taken together put them there. Just like a string of littler choices can take them out. Not that making the choices smaller makes them easy - "I'm not going to have this drink" might be smaller than "I'm going to get off the street", but that doesn't mean it's an easy choice. But it's one choice, here and now, instead of a whole lifetime of choices, here and now.

It's also important to recognize and celebrate the little successes, without expecting too much, too fast. Each time a junkie decides not to shoot up is a victory, even if he's still a junkie. One of my favorite success stories is a kid I was working with in Seattle, several years ago. He was a heavy drug user living on the street when I started working with him, and a drug user living on the street when he stopped coming in. Before he stopped coming, he said "Dave, I still do drugs, and I probably always will. But before I do, each and every single time, I think 'Do I need to do this?' and the answer is usually 'No, but I'm choosing to.' - but sometimes the answer is 'No, and I'm choosing not to.'" Last year I got a letter from him, and he wrote "Dave, I still do drugs, and I probably always will. But before I do, each and every single time, I think 'Do I need to do this?' and the answer is usually 'No, and I'm choosing not to.' I wanted to write and tell you that. I also want you to know that one of the guys in my gang has started saying 'No, but I'm choosing to.'" AADAC teaches that the first step is admitting you have a problem. I like to teach that the first step is knowing you have a choice.

I believe strongly that I can offer, and guide, and teach, but not compel. The hardest part of teaching these kids that the choice is theirs is accepting that I won't always like what they do with it.

I got a new shirt, I got a new shirt, I got a new shirt yah yah yah yah.

I don't have to work Sunday, I don't have to work Sunday, I don't have to work Sunday yah yah yah yah.

*to be sung to the tune of the "I got a dollar" song from Little Rascals*

Ugh, I accidentatly took two shots of my Advair this morning, and now I'm so shaky. Blah. On the plus side, my eye is not swollen shut anymore. I approve of this.

"I'm the onion girl. Pull back the layers of my life, and you won't find anything at the core. Just a broken child. A hollow girl."

"I like to see my friends as couples. I like to see them in love with each other. But it's not the same for me.
Except who am I kidding? I want the same thing, but I just choke when a man gets too close to me. I can't let down that final barrier, I can't even tell them why.
Sophie says I expect them to just instinctively know. That I'm waiting for them to be understand and caring without ever opening up to them. If I want them to follow the script I've got written out in my head, she says I have to let them in on it.
I know she's right, but I can't do anything about it.
I see a dog slink into the alleyway beside the building. He's skinny as a whippet, but he's just a mongrel that no one's taken care of for a while. He's got dried blood on his shoulders, so I guess someone's been beating him.
I go down with some cat food in a bowl, but he won't come near me, no matter how soothingly I call to him. I know he can smell food, but he's more scared of me than he's hungry. Finally I just leave the bowl and go back up the fire escape. He waits until I'm sitting outside my window again before he goes up to the bowl. He wolfs the food down and then he takes off like he's done something wrong.
I guess that's the way I am when I meet a man I like. I'm really happy with him until he's nice to me, until he wants to kiss me and hold me, and then I just run off like I've done something wrong."

Accomplishments of the day:

- Went to MediCenter, got new allergy medication.

- Got the funky tags to work. So now where the colour is different, if you move the mouse over it, it has cool pop-up text. Like this. Special thanks to Raven for this nifty little trick.

- Re-vamped my blog for Tempest, including adding a Quote of the Day section, and a couple of links.

- Updated and re-vamped this site... obviously. Oooh, new colour scheme :)

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

A firetruck. A god-damn firetruck. How could it not have seen them? Why didn't it stop? I can't believe it. I'm in such a state of shock. It's not fair. They were in the right. And know... Kyla's in the hospital, and Steph looks like she got the crap beaten out of her. Kelsey has whiplash, and Cara and Allison are emotional wrecks. Especially Cara. It was a such a good day. The show went so well, and we were are all pumped up for tonight's. And now... they expect us to do the show still, with the lead being replaced, and two other characters being replaced. We don't even have fucking understudies. Nobody else knows the parts. Tonight's the night Marion's parents are coming. This is the big important show. And they want us to do it with three people who don't know the stupid parts. And they expect us not to be complete emotional wrecks.. like I am now. I won't be able to go on stage without crying. I won't be able to watch someone else do those parts, without crying. But what else can I do? If they say the show is a go-ahead, then I have no choice. I made a commitement and I have to follow through. As much as I don't want to... and I don't want to. It just won't be right. It just won't be good. It's not fair!! How could He have let this happen? Didn't He know how much this show meant to us? To Marion? Why?!?! I could have been in that car. I was suppose to be in that car, but my parents came so they drove me home. Haley was suppose to be in that car. I can't even believe it. I keep thinking maybe if I hope enough and pray enough, it will have never happened. Time magic and all that. But I know that, it did happen and there's nothing I can do about it. Except cry. And cry and cry. God.. why?