((The following paragraphs are excerpts from a slight-longer-than-two-pages 'thing' I wrote last night. It covered about a million different topics, but these are just some of the little bits. If you freak out about any of them, don't tell me or I will banish you from reading my blog. Actually, tell in some private way - aka private guestbook entry or email or etc - otherwise I will banish you from reading my blog. And I can do that. Really I can.))
***
I know that it can be difficult for people to understand why I do what I do. I don’t blame them, honestly it’s difficult for me to understand sometimes too. I guess you could call it a coping mechanism, but it doesn’t really feel that way to me. I mean when it comes to a choice of being happier, if a bit less healthy, or depressed and more healthy, I will choose happier every day.
Don’t tell me about the health risks.
Don’t tell me how stupid you think it is.
Don’t tell me I’m skinny enough, fit enough, or pretty enough.
Don’t tell me there are better ways to lose weight.
Don’t tell me you’ll tell an adult if I keep doing this.
Don’t tell me that a psychologist would help.
Just tell me you’ll love me anyway. That’s all I want to hear.
***
I had this realization today. It was very strange, but explained a lot. I figured out why I’m not a relationship kind of girl. It has to do with being a chameleon. The social chameleon I mean. I have this discussion with various people about how I manage to pull off any number of images. I can fit into any group that I would like to. And it’s not a faking thing… just who I am. And so I realized, that one of the reasons I can’t do relationships, is because the girl they think they’re in love with, is not necessarily who I’ll be in a few months. You can never predict who I’m going to be… and I like it that way. But others like it less. They like to know who it is they are friends with, and love, and know that that is who I’m always going to be. But that’s never going to happen. I will always change. And people can’t always change with me.
***
I suppose I ought to stop writing now. Even if I could keep typing for hours and hours, sometimes it’s best to stop before one brings up things that one doesn’t want to think about. I feel a lot better now. It’s funny how much better a couple of realizations will make you feel. So I may ((edited)), whatever, that’s my choice. So I’m never going to have a serious relationship, whatever, they’re highly overrated anyways. I mean, honestly, think about how often I listen to my couple friends fight. My way’s easier.
But more importantly, it’s my way. Not my parent’s way. Not my friend’s way. Not a psychologist’s way. My way. My choices. My thoughts….
“A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot…”
(Concrete Angel – Martina McBride)
***
***
I know that it can be difficult for people to understand why I do what I do. I don’t blame them, honestly it’s difficult for me to understand sometimes too. I guess you could call it a coping mechanism, but it doesn’t really feel that way to me. I mean when it comes to a choice of being happier, if a bit less healthy, or depressed and more healthy, I will choose happier every day.
Don’t tell me about the health risks.
Don’t tell me how stupid you think it is.
Don’t tell me I’m skinny enough, fit enough, or pretty enough.
Don’t tell me there are better ways to lose weight.
Don’t tell me you’ll tell an adult if I keep doing this.
Don’t tell me that a psychologist would help.
Just tell me you’ll love me anyway. That’s all I want to hear.
***
I had this realization today. It was very strange, but explained a lot. I figured out why I’m not a relationship kind of girl. It has to do with being a chameleon. The social chameleon I mean. I have this discussion with various people about how I manage to pull off any number of images. I can fit into any group that I would like to. And it’s not a faking thing… just who I am. And so I realized, that one of the reasons I can’t do relationships, is because the girl they think they’re in love with, is not necessarily who I’ll be in a few months. You can never predict who I’m going to be… and I like it that way. But others like it less. They like to know who it is they are friends with, and love, and know that that is who I’m always going to be. But that’s never going to happen. I will always change. And people can’t always change with me.
***
I suppose I ought to stop writing now. Even if I could keep typing for hours and hours, sometimes it’s best to stop before one brings up things that one doesn’t want to think about. I feel a lot better now. It’s funny how much better a couple of realizations will make you feel. So I may ((edited)), whatever, that’s my choice. So I’m never going to have a serious relationship, whatever, they’re highly overrated anyways. I mean, honestly, think about how often I listen to my couple friends fight. My way’s easier.
But more importantly, it’s my way. Not my parent’s way. Not my friend’s way. Not a psychologist’s way. My way. My choices. My thoughts….
“A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot…”
(Concrete Angel – Martina McBride)
***
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home