Well this is it, last night. I miss them a lot and am looking forward to seeing them again. But, them getting home means it's over for me. No more safe place - no sanctuary. Back to reality. Back to not having a reason.

She just made a noise upstairs, and it struck me that after tonight, she won't be mine anymore. She'll go back to being their's. Their little girl - not my little girl anymore.

Sure, there were moments where I just wanted to wring her neck because she wouldn't stop crying. But then... then she would hug me, or look at me with her big brown eyes and smile, and it would melt my heart. Just to know that someone could love me unconditionally, barely even knowing me. She doesn't judge, or ask questions. All she asks is that I pick her up when she cries, and love her. And I can handle that.

But after tonight, that's over.

They were all so worried that I would do something stupid while they were gone. Don't they get it? She gave me a reason to be here. I couldn't, I wouldn't let her down. But now... I don't have a reason again.

"Think of me
think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while -
please promise me you'll try.

When you find that, once
again, you long
to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me."

I don't want to sleep anymore. I just want to sit here and watch time pass. Wait for the end to come. Wait for reality to sink back in. And then I'll go back to that place. Away from my safety nets. But what good are safety nets, when the holes are big enough for me to fall through?