Laura and Katie came over tonight. It was fun. It's been a long time since I've hung out with anyone from that crowd. And, even though at points I felt like a bit of a third wheel, I really enjoyed myself. I guess I hadn't admitted it to myself, but I missed them. And it was also one of the first times I've hung out with /them/ and been okay with it. I mean, since Greece I've been able to accept them as something serious, but it's still been hard. After all, they were my two best friends, and I felt very... forgotten. I felt a lot of things honestly. Forgotten, alone, jealous, bitter, envious, stupid... So many memories. It's hard to let go of friends. But relationships change things, no matter what you say. It has too, it's just the way of the world. I'm really happy for them though. They go so well together, and make eachother so happy. They're both saner, contenter, and healthier. It's good for them.

Should it bother me that I haven't gotten healthier because of my relationship? I mean, honestly if anything, I've probably gotten worse. Should that wierd me out? I don't think so... but I don't really know. A month and half now. I'm so afriad I'm going to ruin things... on purpose. I feel like I should be ending it, and that it wouldn't be hard to. But I know it would be. I care so much about him. I feel safe when he's around, and special. Like despite the insanity, he still loves me. And that means a lot to me. Because there haven't been a lot of people in my life who have been able to totally accept me, and love me, despite the insanity. Despite the depression, and despite all the stupid things I do. He doesn't judge me, or condemn me. He doesn't try to change me. And yet, I could end it. I could. And that scares me.

I'm also scared by the fact that I think I'm losing my best friends. And I realize that this is mostly my fault, and done mostly on purpose, and I guess it doesn't scare me persay, as it bothers me. It shouldn't be that easy to cut ties. But it is. It's so simple to push them away, to let them go. Nobody notices. But I do. Always watching, never speaking. Shadows. Memories.

This was going to a happy post, about how great I think Laura and Katie are together, and how much fun I had with them, so let me conclude with, Laura, Katie, thank you. You two are wonderful people and deserve only the best life has to offer you. You're so lucky to have eachother, and I hope someday I get to be as happy as you two. Thank you for supporting me, and for being my friends. For caring. May the faeries always bless you with hope, and faith, and love.