Well that's the end. The show is over and we've all said our goodbyes. I cried so hard. When I held Kristen, Lexie and Marnie, I could barely control myself from collapsing. I never realized how much they had come to mean to me. And all the others, Taryn, Erin, Diane, Chelsea... they are these amazing people who meant so much to me. When I started the show, I was lost. Looking for somewhere to fit in. People to accept me. And I found it. It was as if they opened their arms and said, "Yes come in. We have this lovely Jeanne sized spot right here." And I felt warm, safe, and loved. For four months I belonged. I had a reason and a purpose. I knew that there were people who cared deeply about me. And now that's all gone. Gone as quickly as it came. And I'm left alone, waiting, hoping it may come back. When I hugged him goodbye he said "We'll see eachother again." I said "probably not." For that is the truth. The truth is that I probably won't see him again. I doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But maybe that's because somewhere deep inside I believe with all my being that I will see again. *sniff* I wish the show had never closed.
December 23, 2002
December 19, 2002
We only have two shows left and then I'm probably never going to see you again. This isn't fair. It isn't fair. Is this the way it's always going to be? Then I quit. I don't care anymore. Love isn't worth it. I'll just go back to being cold and heartless. Cold and heartless can't get hurt at least....
December 17, 2002
December 16, 2002
Sometimes I hate Blogger. I write out big long posts, with everthing out there and then it crashes. *grrr* Now I shall have to post a condensed version because I don't feel like typing it all out again.
I dreamt about you last night. I woke up, scared... I haven't dreamt about a guy I actually know since... forever. I didn't want to dream about you though. You're everywhere. I can't escape you. Everything reminds me of you. I think I love you. And I definatly don't want to. I don't want to be in love, when I know after Saturday I'll probably never see you again. Love hurts. That's the cold hard truth, and I'll have none of it! None of it! And yet, I know that I wouldn't trade the time I've spent with you for the world. You're fabulous. Smart, funny, cute, easy to talk to, outgoing, fun to be around, and a dancer/actor type on top of it. You are everything I've ever wanted. Perfect in everyway, except.... except.... yes, except that.
3 shows down - 4 more until I'll never see you again.
I dreamt about you last night. I woke up, scared... I haven't dreamt about a guy I actually know since... forever. I didn't want to dream about you though. You're everywhere. I can't escape you. Everything reminds me of you. I think I love you. And I definatly don't want to. I don't want to be in love, when I know after Saturday I'll probably never see you again. Love hurts. That's the cold hard truth, and I'll have none of it! None of it! And yet, I know that I wouldn't trade the time I've spent with you for the world. You're fabulous. Smart, funny, cute, easy to talk to, outgoing, fun to be around, and a dancer/actor type on top of it. You are everything I've ever wanted. Perfect in everyway, except.... except.... yes, except that.
3 shows down - 4 more until I'll never see you again.
now.. i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you
i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
i don't know what i'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
December 11, 2002
Haven't been able to blog in such a long time.. been so busy being everyone else. I'm tired... so tired. It seems futile somtimes. I mean, I used to be happy, and healthy and all that stuff. When did that change? When did I lose who I was? When did life stop doing it for me?
And the stage... today I just couldn't handle it. I flipped out at Sheila, and I knew I shouldn't have. No matter where you go or what show you are doing there are always going to the bitchy ones who drive you insane, but you suck it up and deal with it. Today, I just couldn't. I just couldn't take it anymore. Why am I even out there? It's not like I'm any good anyways. It seems futile sometimes.
This evening, rehersal. Should have been happy. Should have been great. Wasn't. Why? Was it because you're always there and I can't stop thinking about you? Was it because I was still mad about drama? Or am I really just fucked up? Oh what the hell. I don't care anymore.
In slightly happy news: I'm a llama :)
How Much of a Loner Are You?
Take the quiz at [clinically insane]
And the stage... today I just couldn't handle it. I flipped out at Sheila, and I knew I shouldn't have. No matter where you go or what show you are doing there are always going to the bitchy ones who drive you insane, but you suck it up and deal with it. Today, I just couldn't. I just couldn't take it anymore. Why am I even out there? It's not like I'm any good anyways. It seems futile sometimes.
This evening, rehersal. Should have been happy. Should have been great. Wasn't. Why? Was it because you're always there and I can't stop thinking about you? Was it because I was still mad about drama? Or am I really just fucked up? Oh what the hell. I don't care anymore.
In slightly happy news: I'm a llama :)
Take the quiz at [clinically insane]
December 06, 2002
TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS BLOG:
It has become apparent to me that nobody reads the disclaimer (located beneath the counter) so I have decided to copy this bit and put it here. Please read.
Personal relationships and privacy
Do not assume that you know everything there is to know about a writer simply because you read their weblog on a regular basis. Any judgements you make will be based on the information they have provided you about themselves, which is probably vague, incomplete or embellished. Whatever opinion you form on them as people, or their life as a whole, is probably best kept to yourself. Remember, you are the reader. An obvious exception to this would be if someone were asking for advice or opinions.
Never contact the writer for more details on events or personal information than what they have already provided on the site. Chances are if the information you seek isn't readily available, they have found it too personal or innapropriate to share. If you are close to the person they will eventually tell you privately, so intrusive questions are not necessary, just leave it alone. If you are meant to know, you will.
If you have a real life relationship with the writer, remember that communication is very important. View weblogs as online journals, no less sacred than a diary hidden between the mattresses. First of all let them know that you read their site, especially if they did not tell you personally.
If they do not want you reading it, or suddenly stop posting entries, ask them why and if necessary, stop going to the site. It is important that as a friend, relative, co-worker or whatever you may be to the writer, that your presence at their weblog not impede their ability to express themselves. Remember this is their outlet. They may not want you to read certain things they might write about you or others you care about, in order to spare your feelings, avoid drama or maintain their privacy. You should respect this and immediately stop going to the site, and never relay any information you gather at their site to others who might use it against them.
If someone writes about you and you don't appreciate it, approach them about it. Try to remain calm and polite. Explain that you are entitled to your privacy as well. There are many compromises that can be reached from using vague nicknames to protect your anonymity, or not mentioning you at all. If you are upset because they are writing negative things about you, be reasonable, try to see if there is a way to resolve the issues and mend your relationship with the writer. If that doesn't seem to be possible, stop going to the website. They will eventually get bored and move on.
Ex-friends, lovers and estranged family members who have been cut out of the writer's life should refrain from reading their journal. If the relationship has ended, there is no reason you should get daily updates on the person's life. If you simply can't help yourself, do it quietly, and never repeat what you read or use it to hurt the writer.
That said, I have no problem with my friends reading my blog but there is one condition, under no circumstances are you to flip out at me about the contents of an entry. The thing is that this is my place and I refuse to feel that I have to edit it because you don't like something I say. If I say something about you that don't appreciate, sorry, but sometimes I have to write because it keeps me from thinking or doing stupid things. And if that keeps me sane, and around for a little bit longer, I'm willing to risk hurting a few feelings. Remember, you chose to come here and read this, and everyone has a breaking point. I'm not good at the whole "confront"ing thing, so this my escape. This is my safe-spot. And in a world that rarely has safe spots, don't begrudge me mine. So if you have a problem, talk to me in person or leave a guestbook entry as a private entry. Just because you are mad, doesn't mean the whole world needs to know. That is all I have to say today, except for Haley, we need to talk.
It has become apparent to me that nobody reads the disclaimer (located beneath the counter) so I have decided to copy this bit and put it here. Please read.
Personal relationships and privacy
Do not assume that you know everything there is to know about a writer simply because you read their weblog on a regular basis. Any judgements you make will be based on the information they have provided you about themselves, which is probably vague, incomplete or embellished. Whatever opinion you form on them as people, or their life as a whole, is probably best kept to yourself. Remember, you are the reader. An obvious exception to this would be if someone were asking for advice or opinions.
Never contact the writer for more details on events or personal information than what they have already provided on the site. Chances are if the information you seek isn't readily available, they have found it too personal or innapropriate to share. If you are close to the person they will eventually tell you privately, so intrusive questions are not necessary, just leave it alone. If you are meant to know, you will.
If you have a real life relationship with the writer, remember that communication is very important. View weblogs as online journals, no less sacred than a diary hidden between the mattresses. First of all let them know that you read their site, especially if they did not tell you personally.
If they do not want you reading it, or suddenly stop posting entries, ask them why and if necessary, stop going to the site. It is important that as a friend, relative, co-worker or whatever you may be to the writer, that your presence at their weblog not impede their ability to express themselves. Remember this is their outlet. They may not want you to read certain things they might write about you or others you care about, in order to spare your feelings, avoid drama or maintain their privacy. You should respect this and immediately stop going to the site, and never relay any information you gather at their site to others who might use it against them.
If someone writes about you and you don't appreciate it, approach them about it. Try to remain calm and polite. Explain that you are entitled to your privacy as well. There are many compromises that can be reached from using vague nicknames to protect your anonymity, or not mentioning you at all. If you are upset because they are writing negative things about you, be reasonable, try to see if there is a way to resolve the issues and mend your relationship with the writer. If that doesn't seem to be possible, stop going to the website. They will eventually get bored and move on.
Ex-friends, lovers and estranged family members who have been cut out of the writer's life should refrain from reading their journal. If the relationship has ended, there is no reason you should get daily updates on the person's life. If you simply can't help yourself, do it quietly, and never repeat what you read or use it to hurt the writer.
That said, I have no problem with my friends reading my blog but there is one condition, under no circumstances are you to flip out at me about the contents of an entry. The thing is that this is my place and I refuse to feel that I have to edit it because you don't like something I say. If I say something about you that don't appreciate, sorry, but sometimes I have to write because it keeps me from thinking or doing stupid things. And if that keeps me sane, and around for a little bit longer, I'm willing to risk hurting a few feelings. Remember, you chose to come here and read this, and everyone has a breaking point. I'm not good at the whole "confront"ing thing, so this my escape. This is my safe-spot. And in a world that rarely has safe spots, don't begrudge me mine. So if you have a problem, talk to me in person or leave a guestbook entry as a private entry. Just because you are mad, doesn't mean the whole world needs to know. That is all I have to say today, except for Haley, we need to talk.
December 05, 2002
I don't really want to type because I feel like I'll start crying. It's lunch hour here, and I'm alone. I could be sitting by our lockers with my friends but I can't face them today. Besides, if I stay in here, I can't eat. Did you know that Coca-Cola has no fat in it? And that a 600ml bottle will provide me with 250 calories? Well now you do. I hate lunch hour more than anything else in the world I think. I mean you sit around doing nothing for an hour, so you lose any momentum or energy you have and then you don't want to go to your afternoon classes. I mean not that most people do anyways. It's just something that bothers me. So here I am, in the computer lab all alone, writing this, trying not to cry and surfing Health Canada. It's amazing the things that you can find to do to keep your mind occupied. You have to keep your mind occupied. If not.. you start to think, and you start to feel. And you start to remember. You feel the pain, and the hunger, and the hurt. You just want to curl up in a corner and die. It hurts so much. My BMI went up. *sigh* Time to face the real world again....
December 04, 2002
It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!!!! Everyone I love, the people I care about, the things I care about, nothing is the same. I have nothing, I have no one. My life is completely worthless! You don't mean the things you say, I know, I can see it your eyes. You just do it cuz you feel you have too, you don't want to hurt me. Well you know what? I'm sick of this. It hurts more. If I really am your friend, if you really love me... prove it! Don't just say, show me! Because I can't believe it anymore. Words mean nothing to me anymore because I have been betrayed by them so many times. I hate you, and yet I love you at the same time. But what I hate the most is (please excuse this brief interuption: this part of the entry has been edited so as not to have people spaz at me. have a nice day.) ahhh! I'm so angry. I can't remember the last time I was this angry! It's not fair! Why me? What the hell did I do to deserve this!?! I want to help you, to love to and to be your best friend but you just make it so damn difficult sometimes. Why... oh what's the point? It's not like anything I put here makes a difference. The words just dissapere into the vast nothingness. I could write here (the rest of this entry has been edited out so as not to freak people out. thank you for tuning in and have a good day.)
December 03, 2002
BLISTER!! Oh the pain! Actually it feels pretty good to have one again. I know how crazy that sounds but, I missed them. That burning feeling in my foot that proved I had done something hard, something tough. The first time Laura and my toes bled we were so proud.. Our parents couldn't understand it. But, it was really something. Since I stopped dancing, I missed the sore feet, the cuts and the blisters... and now, care of a spair of too small shoes, that pain is back. Strange....
December 01, 2002
Have you ever just.. hurt? For no aparant reason? Just this awful pain in your chest that won't go away? It's been there for days now. It comes and goes, but mostly comes. And I never seem to know why. It just comes all of a sudden. And then people want to know what's wrong, and I can't tell them because I don't know. I hate it! Make it go away. Just make it all go away.
