It hurts... my chest hurts. I feel like somebody keeps hitting me on my chest so hard that it hurts to breathe. And then they stand there and laugh at me. Metaphorically speaking of course. And all I want to do is cry but I don't know how anymore. My throat gets tight, and my eyes burn but the tears.. they never fall. I just want to curl up in a little ball and let the world melt away in a flood of tears. Let the troubles of the world fall down my cheeks and onto the floor

Best friends aren't suppose to fight all the time, right? They are suppose to console each other over the fact that they are at outs with the rest of the world, right? So why is it that the people I fight with the most are you two? I say I'm sorry and try to explain, to tell you but sometimes you don't want to listen. You just want to be angry. I get that... I want to be angry sometimes too. But as our parents and teachers and adult-type people have always told us, communication is the key. You have to listen to each other; hear each other out. I know that this time it was my fault, and I let you guys down but it's hard sometimes. Do you get that? Life is tough. It isn't sunshine, and rainbows and lollipops, as much as we want it to be. But if we fight instead of helping each other it'll just get worse. Remember how many happy times we have? And how much it sucks when we fight or when we stop talking? If we don't forgive eachother it'll always be like that, but a thousand times worse, because it would never come back. We'd never have each other again. I survived before you guys came along, luckily, but now I need you. I didn't need someone like you before. Now... now I get scared without you, hurt without you. You guys may not be the only people in the world with problems, but you're the only ones who get MY problems. So I'm sorry, like I said, I didn't mean to hurt you and let you down. And I hope you won't stay mad too long. You're my best friends...


To Erin: Please email me or call me because I never seem to catch you on MSN. I need to know when you are coming to visit so I can clear it with the parental types. Thanks sweetie, *love*

Ouch I hurt!! Why, you may ask... well let me tell you the story.

So yesterday I was at band camp (please no jokes) and we were playing football during our spare time. Well at some point I got squished and it sort of hurt my neck. Beca and I eventually headed back to the dorm, mostly to take pain-going-away drugs and my neck was getting sorer and sorer. I lay down on the floor of the dorm because it hurt too much to stand up.The rest of the people in my dorm decided it was too boring so went up to the main hall. I lay on the floor in there for the same reason. Supper time came but I couldn't sit up so I just stayed there. All through supper I lay on the floor in the common room. I kept trying to sit up but it made the world spin, and it kept getting black and fuzzy. There were these two spots on the ceiling that kept moving around. They looked like little tiny mice that were fighting. After supper my friends came out and asked how I was doing. I started crying... I was in so much pain! They went and found the adult-type people and they decided to call an ambulance. Jackie took over as first aider person and started C-spine while Becca started writing up a report and Katie packed up my things. Mr.Ralph called my parents and told them that we had called an ambulance and where to meet us. It was a very long time before the ambulance got there. I kept shaking and shuddering and I was so sore. Laura sat next to me holding my hand, and Justin sat down by my feet. Becca got a wet cloth and kept wiping off my face and wetting my lips, since I wasn't allowed to move to find some lypsil. Jackie was amazing. She remembered all the little things that had to be done and writing down and was really comforting. But her shirt kept snaking up her back so her underwear were showing, so Laura kept having to pull it down for her. It made me laugh. Eventually the ambulance showed up and the EMTs (Leslie and Fred) took pulses and blood pressures and the such and got me strapped onto a back board. And we were off. The first aider at camp (Mrs.Ludwig) followed behind the ambulance in her car. I was pretty scared and lonely. The ride was sooooo long. And then they got lost and then we got re-directed from St.Albert hospital to Stony Plain. I actually fell asleep in the ambulance I was in so much pain. I had brought my bear with me and they gave me this really creepy looking bear too. He kinda scared me. We finally made it to the hospital where my mum was waiting for me. I was taken into emergency and they took pulses and blood pressures and then such again. All the way in the ambulance they had been taking them every 15 minutes or so. Then the nurses asked me all the questions again. We were on the 5th round of the exact same questions at this point. Could they not have given them the paper where it was all written down? After that the doctor came and poked my shoulders and back asking, "Does this hurt? How about this? Does this one hurt?" I swear I wanted to kill the man. And then the killer question, "On a scale from 1 to 10, rate your pain..." If I still hasnt been strapped quite firmly to a back board, I would have jumped up and clobbered the man. He sent me off to get x-rays down which HURT! But they took me off the back board and let me stand up... which was only mildly more comfortable. When the x-rays were all done they sent me back down to emergency where I sat and waited and waited. Eventually the doctor showed up again and said that nothing serious was wrong, that they were going to give a soft collar to wear for 3 or so days and a prescription for Advil. Well that was all fine and dandy except for the part where I'M ALLERGIC TO ADVIL, as the little papers he'd filled out said. I thought, "Oh yah, our medical programs are good. Let's give the patients stuff they are allergic too!" So he changed the prescription to some other medication and sent me on my way. By this time is was 10:00pm... I had started hurting at 4:30pm. Mum and I stopped at McDonalds to get me some supper since I hadn't eaten since lunch time and then at Shoppers Drug Mart for the drugs. We headed home and got there around 11:15pm. I went inside, went upstairs, slipped out of my jeans into my pyjama bottoms and fell into my bed. That hurt. I started crying, again. I couldn't even find a comfortable position in which to sleep! I eventually found a semi-comfortable position and fell asleep. I woke up twice, at 2:15am and then at 7:30am, and then was woken up at 9:15am by my mum. She had made me a chiropractor appointement. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! The pain the pain!! I refused to get out of bed but was eventually dragged out. And off we went. He told me that one of my ribs had been shifted (not broken) and was pressing into a nerve bundle in my shoulder. And then he tried to kill me. Ok, so he only tried to fix it but it felt like I was being killed. I couldn't stop crying. When that torture was over, we headed over to Millenium so I could tell Guy that I wouldn't be able to work all this weekend. I almost started crying in front of him. He said that it was fine and not to worry and just to keep them updated. But still, it was hard. I got a drink and we headed home. And so here I am now, sitting in my jeans and Justin's shirt (haven't been able to take it off because that would involve lifting arms over head, sorry Justin, I promise to return it clean, now that I have been to and from the hospital, home and slept in it) writing this. I have an ice pack on my shoulder and I feel like crying again I hurt so much. I miss my friends and I feel so lonely. So please, anyone reading this, call me or email me or something. Let me know that you are out there and care.

Somebody today told me she wished she was happy like me. I laughed... If only people knew. If only they knew how much I hate myself. How I cry myself to sleep every night. How I put on a mask every morning just to be able to face the day. How I really just want to curl up in a little ball and melt away. How I long for a real relationship, someone to love me... and yet sabotage every relationship, ever. How I have no hope, no goals... I just pretend to. She asked me how I appeared to be so happy all the time... I swallowed hard and fought back tears and said, "practice." Yup, about 10 years of practice, 24/7. I hate life.... Is it worth it??

!!!!!! She forgave me! She forgave me! I'm just so happy I could cry. Although that could be other things. Christmas is coming... and that always makes me feel stressed. I never want to offend anyone but I don't have a lot of money. I just want to get presents for my close friends, but I have so many friends who aren't super close that I'd feel horrible. Also, we have this English presentation tommorrow and we've seen half of them already and ours is going to look so stupid in comparison (sp?). Plus I haven't been doing ANY of my work in Science and my English mark has dropped to a 78%. School just isn't worth it anymore! I hate going there so much and it stresses me to the max.

On a slightly different topic: Laura asked me who I liked yesterday. Yah it sounds juvenile, but it got me thinking. Ever since I broke things off with Justin... there just hasn't been anyone. I love being with my guy friends, and hell I love flirting, but nothing serious. And it makes me very very sad, because I just see all these couples and I'm so jealous. Even the horrible couples, that you know will never last. And I'm sure that if I wanted it, I could have a boyfriend easily. James, Matt, Jason, Justin (*random thought - lots of J names*), Brad, or even *shudder* Matthew. And as much as I love most of them, I don't want something that I know will end. And they always will end. I've always been the person who said "when" instead of "if." Talk about pessimism. I want something real. Something serious. I see Star and Eric... Hell, I see Liz and Dave and it hurts. Because they have someone who cares about them so much and wants to spend the rest of their lives with them... maybe that's what I get for hanging around with my 20-some friends so much... I expect so much. And yah, I know that isn't fair but hell, a girl can dream can't she? But what happens, when that dreaming is hurting your life? Why can't I be normal!?! Is there a normal? I was reading Cora's blog and god, she is so superficial. It amazes me. I hate stupid, and/or superficial people. There are people around with real problems and real troubles, and you are complaining about your locker. *sigh* Talk about people with their priorities sorted out. And yet I envy them... Ha, how's that for ironic?

I sent her a note... I hope she forgives me. I miss her so much.

To the reader who left me a private entry:

You've made me think. I would like to talk to you more so could you please email me? Or post your address in another entry so I can email you? I think I might talk to her... I haven't decided yet. I'm not exactly good at confrontation. I don't even know what I would say. But you have intrigued me know so please either post another comment or email me.

jeanne_marie_nicole@hotmail.com

Thank you.

somewhere between the procrastination.... and the homework..... and the incessant forwards..... and the friendships..... and the calls to each other complaining about crushes!!...... Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends..... And the "I miss you's", the "I love you's"....... And the "What are we doing tonight's?"..... And somewhere between all of the changing,growing... Somewhere between the classes........ And the skipping classes...... And the studying for tests.......And the pretending to study for tests....... And the downright NOT studying for tests... I forgot.......... I forgot what high school is all about. I forgot what it meant to cry....... I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy........... And that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart ............ I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future.......... I forgot that you can't control falling in love........... And that you can't make yourself fall in love........... I learned that I can love......... I learned that it's okay to mess up......... And it's okay to ask for help......... And it's okay to feel like crap......... I learned it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day........ I learned that sometimes the things you want most you just can't have. I learned that the greatest thing about high school isn't the parties or the DRiNKiNG or the hook-ups... It's the friendships, which means taking chances........ I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about.......... I learned that letters from friends are the most important things. And that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better. But, basically, I just learned that my friends........ Both old and new......... Are the most important people to me in the world. AND.......without them, I wouldn't be who I am today..... So this is a thank you to all of my friends. . For always being there. And even if were not on good terms or we have lost touch... I still care for you..

Somebody I considered my best friend sent this to a long time ago. I didn't really think anything about it then, but now. Now I wonder how she is, and what's new with her, and why things changed. I wonder if she thinks about me when I'm not around. I see her now, everyday, and she tries so hard to pretend that nothing changed but, I see it, and she sees it. And I wish more than anything in the world that I could hold her tight and tell her it's going to be alright.... But now, it's not the same and I can't. I try to show her that it's changed without saying it and just get "Fuck off Jeanne" in return. Other than "I love you" I've never had three words hurt so much ever in my life. I just want the world to go away and let me curl up in front of my computer without them bothering me. It's amazing the peace you can find in a square screen.

I have recently felt that I don't fit in anywhere anymore. All the places that I felt safe and happy seem to have dissapered. My RPG Guild, my message boards, my friends, even my spares don't seem to the same anymore. Did everyone change without me? Or did I change without everyone? I sort of feel like the piece of the puzzle you just cannot find the spot for no matter how long and hard you look. You can sort of jam in into various spots, but it never truly fits. I'm shaking. People are so dense sometimes. Like when you're trying to tell them something without saying it, and they are so caught up in there bubbly little world they don't even notice? I hate my friends. I wish I knew what I wanted, or what I am suppose to be doing. Does everybody hit this point? Where you just don't know what the reason is anymore, or if there ever truly was a reason. And the people you used to turn to for comfort don't seem to be there anymore. They try to pretend that nothing is different but you can see it in their eyes, and in their body language. What do they see in my eyes? Is it what I want them to see?

The Meaning of Shattered Glass Slipper
Have you ever stopped and wondered what would have happened to Cinderella if her shoe hadn't fallen off that night? Or if the shoe had broken? Well I have and this is what I figure. Shattered glass slipper, it means that you lost your fairytale ending. Your slipper shattered as you were running down the stairs before the Prince (or Princess depending on who you are) could catch you. Therefore they had nothing to search for you with and gave up and married someone else and had a different, but equally good, happily ever after. A shattered glass slipper is just the loss of a dream or a hope or a love. It's that feeling inside that says, "You screwed up... You do know that right? And you realize that you're never going to be able to fix that, right? And that happily ever after isn't ever going to happen for you, right?" It isn't always a sad thing, sometimes it is just a knowledge. So for those of you who actually care enough to read this and wondered what it meant, that is its meaning.

Why I lay on the floor and stare up
People have asked me so many times why I just lay in the middle of a floor and stare up. For hours at a time. They don't understand and I could never really give them the answer. But this is it: People in this day and age spend entirely too much time looking down. We watch every step we take so as to ensure that we don't make a wrong step or take a wrong turn, or trip and fall (metaphorically speaking that is). Nobody looks up anymore. We are content just to let the world slip by, slide through our fingers without seeing it pass. Luckily I realized one day, that if you lay down and look up, you see all the up that you have been missing, and... how can you fall if you're lying on your back?