When I woke up this morning, I turned to my other side and looked at my alarm clock. 9:45am. Hmmm I should get up. So I turned over onto my back and sat up. The first thing to come slightly into view through my fuzzy eyes was a dozen white roses sitting in a vase on my desk. I almost started to cry because they reminded me that there is someone out there who loves me. I just sat there staring at them and remembering the look on your face when you gave them to me, and the way you hugged me after. Remembering how you stood in line with me for 1/2 hour and let me lean on you when I got tired. Just writing this tears are beginning to well up again. I've spent my entire life saying that I hate love, that I will never get married, that guys just aren't worth the time of day, and then you came along and changed everything. My world went topsy-turvy. And I don't think I've ever been that scared. It's like the person who goes on a boat for the first time and is convinced that they're going to fall off the boat because they can't walk properly and they feel so un-balanced. Luckily I've sorta got used to the feeling, and the rocking motion has become almost comforting. I'm not sure that you understand how much you mean to me. How when I go to bed at night, I lay there staring into the blackness hoping that possibly somewhere on the other side of town, you are staring back towards me. How when I see you in the hallways at school, it's all I can do to keep my calm and pretend I'm just talking to my friends. How I hate that you got moved in band because now I can't focus because you are sitting right across from me. And I wonder if you know all that..... I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone like you in my life and at the same time I feel horribly guilty that someone like me should get you, and not someone more deserving. I wish that all my friends... even all my foes, could find someone like you in their lives. You've changed the way I look at life, the way I feel about myself, and you've made me feel like life might be worth living, but only if I have you. And for all that, and for everything else you are and do, I love you.

which stereotype are you?

HURRAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok I just wanted to say, that I am very happy to have reached 100 page views, although it does depress me that I only have 3 (that's three) guestbook entries. So please if you are reading this, please sign my guestbook. It would make me very happy, which is something that doesn't happen a hell of a lot. Thank you.

Mwahahaha quiz results:




Which Middle Earth race are you? go to:the quiz!



What Egyptian Deity are you? go to:the quiz!

Hehehehehehe, ok so I was reading the Globe and Mail and I see this title "Toronto mayor's ex-mistress loses appeal." and thought, gee that's fairly rude! And then I looked a little further and saw that it said, "Grace Louie and her two sons lose their appeal to sue Mel Lastman for child support." Talk about a way to get people's attention :)

There are days when I am completely disgusted with the world! So I'm reading the Globe and Mail today and I see this article called "Fox hounds PM over remarks," so I decide to check out what our esteemed Prime Minister said to annoy someone today. So I start reading and apparently Chretien made some comment during an interview on FOX linking terrorism and the global disparity in wealth and power. Well anyways now he is being slammed by everyone for being "un-american." News flash: we are Canadians!! Not Americans! So Fox news commentator Bill O'Reilly said "Now, I'm not outraged, because I expected something like this. Chrétien is a socialist who believes the West owes something to radical Muslims and to the rest of the world. As we have reported, his government allows nearly everyone into Canada even if they have false documentation. Of course, this puts all of us at risk. Chrétien doesn't care." !!! This pissed me off so much. Cuz you know what, the attacks were partially the US's fault. So then that idiot Steven Harper has to go and say, "the vast majority of Canadians do not hold the U.S. responsible for the attacks on the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon in Washington." Umm sorry Mr.Harper but which Canadians were you talking to, because practically everyone I know partially blames the US for 9/11. "Certainly, the response that we've been getting suggests that Canadians understand that the responsibility for the attacks in New York last year was 100 per cent and no less the responsibility of the kind of dark, evil and hate-filled forces that represent organizations like al-Qaeda." Dear God Mr.Harper!! Quit trying to butter up the US and get on with actually governing our country. There is no way anyone could try to say that the US was not partially responsible for those attacks, and if they do then they are refusing to see the truth that's directly in front of them. Fox's Shepard Smith urged Canada to "step up and become a part of the war on terror." Well I've thought about it and I think that no, we won't go help attack innocent countries, like Iraq, just because the US's ego got a little bruised. Talk about bully-syndrome.... Well if anyone would like to check out the afore mentioned article here is it's link:

http://www.globeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/PEstory/TGAM/20020914/UCHREN/national/national/national_temp/4/4/22/

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die...

-- Anonymous

Well, as everyone knows it's September 11th... one year since that horrific day. I remember that day really well. I got to school and went to band and there were only a few people there, and we just sat there listening to the radio, crying, holding each other for support, listening to people crying "We can't get them out, They're trapped." My generation has never had to deal with anything like this before and it was scary. Sure war and stuff happens, but not to us... no where near us. That's the rest of the world. I kept thinking about what if they came up here, to Canada. Nobody knew what to expect, we were all so shocked. Didn't know how to respond. We watched the news, listened to the radio and heard the horrible reports. After it happened, the next few weeks were a bit scary but after that, it began to die down in Canada. But everything suddenly was related to Spetember 11th... and it made me mad! Yah, it was shitty and horrible, and all those innocent people didn't deserve to die but you have to move on. I feel horrible for the families who lost their wives, husbands, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, anyone.. they didn't deserve to have those people ripped out of their lives, but at some point in life you have to put the shit behind you and move on. Otherwise they win. They've stopped you from functioning properly, they've shut you down. You have to live if only to show that it's possible. I'm tired of everything in the world being related back to September 11th... No matter the conversation it ends up back there. It drives me crazy. It even got to my drama class today. I hate to sound bitchy or insensitive but MOVE ON!!! Sure, don't forget what happened because if you don't learn from something, you're doomed to repeat it (thus all my ex-boyfriends) but you have to keep living. Thus is my rant for today. The only thing I still have to say is check out this website, it's amazing! I just happened upon it one day, I have no idea who it's by or anything like that, but do check it out:
http://www.aristotle.net/~diogenes/meaning1.htm#questions1

I lied, also check out this link

http://www.freeopendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A767571&entry=10044

Testing, testing... This is a test. Please remain calm.

Also, if you are reading this, go sign my guestbook... please and thank you kindly.

What is your life philosophy??

I feel so very drained. Like the last little remnants of my energy are just flowing out of my feet and into the ground, reconnecting to Mother Earth. My English teacher today gave us an intresting assingment... "what is your philosophy on life?" I had no idea what to write.... If I have a life philosophy, I think that it is so deeply embedded into who I am that I couldn't explain it even if I wanted to. It's just something that I am, that I live... It's just who I am. I could try to explain about my views on Prosaic (spelling?) and Mythic reality, or conformisim etc.. It was strange to try and think about it. Try to seperate what others have told you etc, from what you deep down inside believe. I realized that I don't know who I am, by any stretch of the imagination. And I wonder, if we ever truly get to know who we are. I just don't fit into any group... I'm not a popular kid, or a jock; I'm not a band kid, or a computer nerd. I'm a friendly, sorta active, geekish, drama girl who just also happens to play in band and sing in choir. It's a strange feeling, to never quite belong. Hmmm, I wonder if there's a group I fit into somewhere. Maybe

Who do you want to meet?

Somebody once asked me, "If you could meet anyone in the world, alive or dead, who would it be?" and I didn't have an answer. But that answer just came to me today... I wish that I could meet Bach, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Mozart.... and tell them how much their music has meant to me. Tell them how it's influenced me ever since I was small... for as long as I can remember I've listened to their music. How after a bad day, I come home and turn on Bach's Prelude Suite No 1 for Cello performed by Yo-Yo Ma and melt away into the music. Or how, even at the age of 16, I still listen to "Mr.Bach Comes to Call," "Beethoven Lives Upstairs," "Tchaikovsky Discovers America" and "Mozart's Magic Flute"... They are what I grew up on and their music reaches into my soul and touches something that nothing else can reach. And I so wish that I could go up to them and say, "Thank you... you made a difference in my life and I'm a better person because of it." These people all became so popular after their deaths and, unless in the next world you can keep an eye on this one, they never knew how much their music was to change the world. I believe that people don't give the classical musicians enough credit. So Mr.Bach, Mr.Beethoven, Mr.Tchaikovsky, Mr.Mozart, and the rest, thank you - without your music I wouldn't be who I am and the world wouldn't be the way it is. I hope that somehow, someway, you know the magnitude of the gift you left this world.

Thank you

In our darkest hour
In my deepest despair
Will you still care?
Will you be there?
In my trials
And my tribulations
Through our doubts
And frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear
And my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow
I'll never let you part
For you're always in my heart.

-- Micheal Jackson

I feel very alone sometimes. Surronded by my friends and yet so alone. And I wonder to myself whether I will ever lose that feeling. If I will ever find someone who will fill that hole in my heart. So then I'll think I've found him and I'm too afraid to say something, in case I lose him. It's such a terrible circle... Be alone and not say anything, or risk losing them and then be alone. My friend Haley wrote an amazing monolouge about love, and how awful falling in love is... I wouldn't agree that falling in love is an awful thing exactly, but it's hard... and scary. "Afraid to tell you that I love you because love has only ever hurt me before." It's the story of my life... afraid to love, but afraid to live alone, without love. I've spent so long saying how I'll never fall in love, how guys just aren't worth the time, how I will live my life without love.... and you meet one person and all that changes. Your world is rocked beneath your feet and everything you thought you knew, you're suddenly second guessing. It's the strangest feeling... is it love? I think so, I hope so.... because if it is, then I found it.

It is 1:05am.... since 6:30 yesterday morning I have slept a total of 4 hours (not consecutivaly) and yet I am not tired. So instead, I'm writing this. I haven't written in a while because I have been in the middle of the pacific ocean in a kayak and my laptop didn't like the sea water ;) It was a really fun trip but I must say that I HATE MOTHER NATURE. Other females will understand this.

In other news: Elope theater did call back. I'm in the chorus.... that's all I know so far but rehersals start on Thursday night.
School starts the day after tommorow. I have a spare :P I didn't want a spare. And yet I have one... grrrr! I have this feeling that I am going to be very stressed this year. School, work, Elope, dance, my friends..... stress stress stress.
I was suppose to be doing something with Justin tommorow but I haven't heard from him. This makes me very very sad. I will probably go shopping with Katie instead, who I do love dearly and can't wait to see... but when you've spent an entire week looking forward to something, it's horrible to have it taken away.

Yay, test results cuz I'm flipping bored:

Also known widely as the Fire Bird, the phoenix is a profound symbol of the circle of life. It has a life cycle of 500 to 600 ears and after that amount of time, it sets itself on fire and dies in the flames. Then after three days, it rises again from the ashes. It is a completely benign creature who lives in dew. It is said that the phoenix has a beautiful melidous song which grows ever more mournful as its life comes to an end. It is a symbol of the sun and immortality. The phoenix is a very worthwhile beast.

What mythical beast best represents you?Take the quiz!

Alright I've run out of anything to say and my contacts are starting to hurt so I will to bed. Night all....