Have you ever felt like all you wanted to do was curl up in the tiniest ball and melt away from the world? Ha, welcome to my life. I have been having the worst few days and I hate it! And since my mum and brother aren't home from the hospital yet, I plan on staying up and writing until they get home.
I'm so confused right now. And I can't even write why cuz I know that people would read it then. And so far only Eir, R.E and "Jen" know and I plan on keeping it that way for as long as I can. But I mean, did you ever think you totally knew what you wanted and then realized you didn't? Or that you had life all figured out and then it was like everything you had EVER known was crumbling beneath you and you couldn't stop it? Or that you spend your whole life pretending to be someone else? There's this line in Singin' in the Rain where Lina says, "Oh Donnie, you couldn't kiss me like that and not mean it even a tiny bit," and Donnie replies, "Meet the best actor in the world." When I heard it the first time I thought it was witty, but now it's taken on a whole new meaning for me. *sigh* I promised myself that I would write everything on my blog but I find that I'm censoring it from myself. God I'm a hopeless mess. Maybe I'll take my mum up on her offer..... But I'm getting off topic... I had a topic? Oh right, masks.... I read the most wonderful poem yesterday:
I'm so confused right now. And I can't even write why cuz I know that people would read it then. And so far only Eir, R.E and "Jen" know and I plan on keeping it that way for as long as I can. But I mean, did you ever think you totally knew what you wanted and then realized you didn't? Or that you had life all figured out and then it was like everything you had EVER known was crumbling beneath you and you couldn't stop it? Or that you spend your whole life pretending to be someone else? There's this line in Singin' in the Rain where Lina says, "Oh Donnie, you couldn't kiss me like that and not mean it even a tiny bit," and Donnie replies, "Meet the best actor in the world." When I heard it the first time I thought it was witty, but now it's taken on a whole new meaning for me. *sigh* I promised myself that I would write everything on my blog but I find that I'm censoring it from myself. God I'm a hopeless mess. Maybe I'll take my mum up on her offer..... But I'm getting off topic... I had a topic? Oh right, masks.... I read the most wonderful poem yesterday:
I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So real me doesn’t show.
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So real me doesn’t show.
I’m afraid to show you me
Afraid of what you'll do.
That you might laugh and say mean things.
I’m afraid I might lose YOU.
Afraid of what you'll do.
That you might laugh and say mean things.
I’m afraid I might lose YOU.
I'd like to remove my paint coats,
To show you the real true me.
But I want you to understand
I need YOU to accept what you see.
To show you the real true me.
But I want you to understand
I need YOU to accept what you see.
So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes,
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts,
To let the real me show.
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts,
To let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked bare and cold.
And if YOU still love me with all that you see,
YOU are my friend, pure as gold
I feel naked bare and cold.
And if YOU still love me with all that you see,
YOU are my friend, pure as gold
I need to save my paintbrush though,
And hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn’t understand.
And hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn’t understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend,
And thanks for loving me true.
But please let me keep my paintbrush with me
Until I love me too.
And thanks for loving me true.
But please let me keep my paintbrush with me
Until I love me too.
I just seems to describe me so aptly. I wish I could explain more but I don't want anyone to know... I don't even want to know. It's scary.... I think I'm going crazy. Is this what life is suppose to feel like? Cara said she thinks that when we die we just get reborn and keep getting reborn until we get our lives perfect. I could be here a while. I sometimes wonder if anyone else feels like this. I try to put myself into other people's minds, to understand them better, but I can never do it. Do people really think like I do? Feel like I do? If they do I pity them. I wouldn't wish the way I feel upon anyone. Would someone just please tell me what I'm suppose to be doing? Who I'm suppose to be with? How I'm suppose to feel? Because I've tried to figure it out myself and I just can't do it... Please... just tell me what to do... I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.
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